The same judge granted the adoptions of my children. As I was leaving the courtroom after YaYa's adoption proceeding, the judge stopped me and said "you know you can't give them back." At that point, the judge was referring to Bubba Doo and YaYa. I replied, "I understand your honor and I would never do that." That was twelve years ago and I meant what I said 110%.
I left the courtroom that day thinking to myself, what kind of parent would give their child back? I could not even imagine a parent even considering such an option much less following through on it. I did not give it much thought because I knew without a doubt that I would NEVER place my children back in foster care. I would not place them back into the system I had rescued them from. I would love them, provide for them and make sure they had everything they needed. These children were my blessings from God. I knew that the post adopt worker and DCFS had assured me that there would always be the needed money or resources to address whatever needs might arise in the future. The State was aware that I was a single parent and I had voice my concerns about adopting a second and third baby. I knew that with my resilience and determination and with the State's help when I really needed it, I would always be able to provide what my children needed. The State, Child Welfare System and God were trusting me with these children and with the State having my back, I would be able to handle anything that came my way. At least, that is what I thought 12 years ago.
What I now know is exactly what kind of parent adopts a child from foster care and is then forced to have to place that child back in the same system. It is a parent who loved her baby and did everything she could to help her precious daughter withdraw from the heroin she was born addicted to. It is the parent who sat holding her inconsolable baby and cried with her because the parent could feel her baby's pain but could do nothing to ease it. It is a parent who is awakened at night to find their 5 year old strangling their 6 year old with a karate belt. It is the parent who took their 5 year old child to the emergency room after a 13 hour long temper tantrum. It is that same parent who wakes up in the morning to find her 5 year old covered in vomit and post-ictal from a seizure, takes her to the hospital and is told that her child does not have seizures, it is ADHD and behavior. It is a parent who is forced to deal with health care providers that don't understand and won't listen to what this parent has to say about her child. It is a parent who watches her child wake up in the morning and not be able to use her legs or arms. A child who is temporarily paralyzed and scared beyond belief as the parent frantically rushes her child to the emergency room scared that her child could possibly have some type of brain tumor. The parent is told by doctors nothing is wrong and this parent feels helpless when she knows in her heart something is seriously wrong. It is a parent who is told to place her 5 year old in residential care because of the child's behavior and if the parent would read
123 Magic, then she would know how to parent this child. It is a parent who for the 7th time in her child's short life rushes her to the emergency room and then watches her child seize for 6 1/2 hours while the doctors won't listen to the parent as she tries to explain she thinks her daughter is seizing. Then an EEG is finally completed at the parent's request which confirms that the parent is correct and her child is in Status Epilepticus. It is the parent who spends countless hours on early developmental interventions, physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, doctor visits, mental health therapy and hospital visits. It is a parent who has been proactive, searched out therapy, resources and services on her own. It is the parent who never gives up and who has tried as hard as she can to advocate to get her child the right help and the right diagnosis.
It is the parent who in a million years never dreamed that the safety issues in her home would be created from one of her own children. It is a parent who has to protect her other children from being physically and emotionally hurt by one of their siblings. It is the parent who rushes her youngest child to the doctor fearing his leg might be broken after being attacked by an older sibling. It is a parent who consoles her oldest son's broken heart when his pet hamster has been intentionally killed by a younger sibling. It is a parent who is horrified to witness her child punch, hit, kick, slap, give a black eye or pinch another child until their skin bleeds from her nail and who knows that no amount of interventions, therapy or parenting she has done have stopped the behavior. It is a parent who has seen a child's head intentionally pushed into dressers, seen one sibling throw another sibling across a room, seen their child jump on siblings with the intent to hurt them, chase siblings with knives threatening to kill them, choke siblings using an arm hold, intentionally run her siblings over with a bike and seen the child inflicting harm show no remorse, empathy and deny any wrong doing.
It is a parent who watches her home being destroyed by rages, temper tantrums and melt downs. Furniture is destroyed, holes are placed in the walls, holes are placed in doors, several scratches are put on the new flat screen TV because the youngest child is angry at the family. It is a parent who finds her 6 year old intentionally setting the playhouse on fire because she is mad. It is a parent who has to deal with lying, stealing, hiding and hoarding other family member's personal possessions and money, as well as food. It is a parent who has had to clean up fecal smears from bathroom, bedroom and hallway walls. A parent who has to take the family cat to the vet after it is intentionally injured by her own son. Then that parent brings the injured cat home to take care of it, only to have the child that injured the cat laugh every time medicine is given to the cat. It is a parent who can't sleep at night because she fears the safety of her children and wants to make sure that one child is not hurting the other children while they sleep. It is the parent who struggles to understand her child even when this parent no longer feels safe in her own home.
It is a parent who was gullible and believed in false promises. It is a parent who had the State and Child Welfare System fail to provide the financial support or the promised resources when it comes time and her child needs more help. It is a parent who continues to work with a DCFS post adopt worker. The parent has met with the post adopt committee only to be told there are no resources and they can't help her. It is a parent who finds out three weeks after placing her child at the Utah Youth Village that Medicaid will no longer cover residential care. It is the parent with two insurances who can't get her child the proper mental health resources. It is a parent who is forced to place her child in foster care because that is the only resource available to her. The parent then goes to the child's shelter hearing to find out she is being investigated and may be charged with ABANDONMENT because she refused to take her child home from the psychiatric hospital and further endanger her other children at home. Then the parent finds the Child Welfare System adversarial and hostile. How can the same system that trusted this parent and placed two more children with her now turn on her when her children need more help than the parent can provide? This is a parent who is accused of making up diagnoses and lying about dates for appointments. This is a system that wants to blame the parent who has been there for the last 13 years fighting and advocating for her children. This is a parent who is exhausted and already traumatized from dealing with her child's trauma that occurred prior to the child even being placed in the parent's home.
Then as the parent is navigating the Child Welfare System in an attempt to get her children the help they need, the system informs the parent that she has to have DCFS supervised visits. The Guardian Ad Litem informs the parent that she does not support phone contact because there is no way to monitor it. The same parent that the Child Welfare System trusted enough to placed three children with is now not trusted enough to even have a phone call with her child. The parent is confused and feels beaten down emotionally. The parent is not abusive, a drug addict or neglectful. The parent is forced to spend countless hours on emails to prove and document that she is not lying, making up diagnoses and has been truthful with the system. As this parent struggles with her emotions and the loss of her children, the system further traumatizes the parent by saying she is unstable because she is emotional and was crying in court. So the parent works really hard in therapy to learn how to keep her tears in check so that she does not appear "unstable." The parent makes it through a court hearing with no tears only to find out that the system now thinks she is "too cold" and "too matter of fact." That parent begins to realize she is in a
NO WIN situation.
The parent tells her attorney she does not have the emotional strength to continue to deal with a system that is broken. The parent explains to her attorney that something is wrong with the Child Welfare System when the post adopt side of DCFS tells the adoptive parent that her only resource is foster care. So the parent trusting the DCFS post adopt worker and the post adopt committee, contacts CPS with the help of her attorney so that she can get the much needed help for her child. Then to the parent's surprise, she is treated like she is the problem. The parent is trying to advocate for her child, but it becomes obvious that she is being treated like she has been abusive to her child when nothing could be further from the truth. It is a parent who has been told a lot of half truths by the Child Welfare System and finds that there is a lack of accountability, false accusations, lack of follow through, miscommunication and a serious breakdown in communication within that system. It is the parent who has told her daughter in therapy that she is relinquishing her parental rights and does a final goodbye with the help of her daughter's therapist. The parent who tries to schedule a goodbye therapy session with her son and has it fall through due to a breakdown in communication within the system. It is a parent who has been assured by her attorney, the foster care worker and DCFS that her children will not be at the courthouse on the day she relinquishes her parental rights. That same parent walks through the doors of the courthouse on that day to hear "mommy, mommy" as the children she is relinquishing come up and hug her. A parent who can no longer control her tears and is told that her children are there due to another breakdown in communication within the system. It is the parent whose heart is breaking when she leaves the courtroom and her children are playing and indifferent to what is going on. A parent who is asked "do you want to say goodbye to your children one last time?" It is a parent who never dreamed that trying to get her children the help they needed would lead to her needing to relinquish her parental rights.
So to answer the original question as to what type of adoptive parent places their children back into foster care and then requests termination of parental rights, it is the parent who is emotionally, financially and physically exhausted. The parent who realizes she is in a "NO WIN" situation. It is a parent who as a single working mother has done everything she knows to do, has advocated as hard as she can, has shed a million tears, has poured her heart and soul into being a mother and trying to meet her children's needs. It is a parent who has loved all of her children with an intense devotion, and done everything in her power to make her children feel loved. It is a parent who knows that LOVE isn't enough. It is a parent who still has a traumatized child at home that she still needs to parent. It is a parent who has had to face the EMOTIONAL DEFEAT that she on her own could not meet the needs of her children and that the system she trusted did not provide the promised support. It is the parent who prays for the day when the Child Welfare System will provide support instead of blaming adoptive parents for trauma that was inflicted on their child before being placed in their home. A parent who longs for the day when the Child Welfare System is accountable and does what is in the child's best interest. The day when adoptive parents, the State, the Child Welfare System and DCFS all work together as a team to provide what is best for the child. It is a parent who has to realize that God trusted these special children to her and now she has to place her trust in God that he will continue to watch over them. It is a parent who will continue to pray everyday for her children and will forever carry these children with her in her heart....
