A Halloween Lesson

I wasn't going to write about this but it keeps bothering me so I decided to get it off my chest.  This was our first Halloween since I relinquished my parental rights to Ya Ya and Bugga Boo.  My heart had been heavy all day thinking about the children I no longer had and would not be able to take trick or treating.  I had to work that day and Bubba Doo was home alone after school.  Bubba Doo decided to go as a hockey player.  He carved some pumpkins and did some trick or treating around the neighborhood before I got home.  I finally made it home around 8:15pm after working a twelve hour shift.   Bubba Doo wanted to go to a neighborhood in our town called Cobblestone.  We have gone there in the past and all of the kids enjoyed trick or treating in that neighborhood.  I was informed that the one house that always gave away hot dogs would be grilling hot dogs again for all of the kids who came by for a treat.

As soon as I got home, I loaded Bubba Doo and our dog Nellie in the car and away we went to Cobblestone.  I tried as hard as I could to act like everything was normal, but I felt the pain and emptiness of my two youngest children who were no longer a part of our family.  I could tell Bubba Doo was feeling lost too.  It was dark and cold out so Nellie and I stayed in the car as Bubba Doo wanted to trick or treat without his Mom by his side.  At age 14, you don't want your Mom right there.  I understood and stayed a safe distance away in the car, but close enough so I could make sure he was ok.  I held back my tears as I wanted Bubba Doo to have good memories of this Halloween even though it was different for both of us. 

I watched as my son went up to a house and rang the door bell.  A man answered and seemed rather irriatated that my son was at the door saying "trick or treat."  The man abruptly said "you're kind of big for this aren't you?  I am getting ready to shut this down."  I was proud of my son as he politely said "thank you" when the man handed him a piece of candy.  As I sat there, I found myself getting angrier and angrier.  Of all the children in the world, this man chose my son to have an attitude with.  A 14 year old boy who had lost both of his siblings and wanted more than anything to just feel some normalcy in what has been the worst year of his life.  I found myself wanting to go ring that man's doorbell and give him a piece of my mind.  Then I reminded myself that I had no idea what had been going on in that man's life.  It was obvious that he was not happy and for all I know he may have gone through more trauma than my son and I had experienced. 

I continued to watch my son trick or treat and finally get to the house with the grilled hot dogs.  Bubba Doo got his hot dog and then got in the car and said "We can go home now Mom, I got my hot dog."   I was really proud of my son.  This was not the best Halloween and it was obvious to both of us that we were feeling the loss of half of our family.  As I drove home, I thought to myself about the man who was irritated with my son.  I thought about my feelings of sadness about the loss of my two children.  I also thought about the pride I had in my son to make the most of this Halloween and to be polite even in the face of rudeness.   I have learned something from all of this.  I have learned to not judge and to try and look beyond the obvious.  To feel compassion for others and to not let their mood affect mine.  I realize that you can never know what someone else may be going through.  I miss my children with all my heart and it was a very sad Halloween, but at the same time I realize that God has blessed me with the opportunity to trick or treat with my 14 year old son and I want to look at the positive in that experience.   I know that my grief is normal and I thank God everyday for allowing me the opportunity to be a Mom to each of my children.  I thank God that I was able to have each of my children in my life even if it was not for as long as I thought it would be.  I want to learn to be grateful for the blessings in my life and learn to enjoy them everyday.  Most of all I want to thank that irritated man for My Halloween Lesson.....