It was an ordinary evening at work the the night of October 10th, when I got a text from my youngest sister. She wanted to know if I could talk. I had some down time, so I texted back that I was at work but did have a few minutes I could talk. Immediately my cell phone rang and it was my sister. Our conversation started with the normal chit chat and then my sister told me she needed to talk to me but felt maybe she should not talk to me while I was at work as it could be emotional. I had no idea what she wanted to talk about but told her it was ok for her to talk to me. At the time, I thought maybe something was going on in her life and she needed to talk to someone. I was not prepared for what I was about to hear.
My sister started telling me how she had been in Salt Lake recently but had not been able to see me. I had no idea why she would be in Salt Lake and said "that's ok." I was thinking maybe she had been here on business. As my sister proceeded to talk, she told me that she had come to see the children. I said, "my children." My sister said, "Well they're not your children anymore." It took me a second but I then realized she meant she was in Salt Lake to see my children that I had relinquished my parental rights to. I stayed calm, but at that moment my breath had been taken away and I felt like a knife had been stabbed through my gut. I tried to take some deep breaths but felt immobilized with disbelief. As my sister continued to talk the picture became very clear to me. I said to her, "you were here with Mom." My sister said "yes." I was in shock with what felt like betrayal. Why would my Mom and sister come to Salt Lake behind my back to see the children I had relinquished? My sister continued to talk and said that she loved me and did not want to hurt me. She was calling because it had bothered her and she wanted to let me know. WOW! I was not even for sure what to say. I had to keep reminding myself not to cry.
I have been no contact with my mother since September 15, 2011. I have had a very difficult relationship with my mother my whole life. I have spent years in therapy on and off trying to figure out how to fix that relationship. Since it was the relationship with my mother, I always felt it was worth saving and working on. A couple of years ago, I finally figured out what the problem is. My mother is very narcissistic. I stumbled on a book by Dr. Karyl McBride entitled Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers . As I read Dr. McBride's book, I realized why I had not been able to fix my relationship with my Mother. I joined Dr. McBride's support group on Facebook and posted a comment about what the relationship might be between autoimmune diseases and being raised by a narcissistic parent. In that post, I mentioned that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and that both of my younger sisters had autoimmune diseases and both of my sisters had struggled with drug addiction. I am not a psychologist but feel my sisters' drug addictions are related to how we were raised. We weren't allowed to have feelings and when we did they were never validated. It has been my lifelong journey to try to heal myself and to understand myself better. It is not my desire to blame anyone or to be angry. I want to learn from my past and I want to become a better person.
The trouble started when my middle sister saw my post on Facebook and then showed it to my mother. I received an email from my mother on September 14, 2011 which said:
"I saw your post on Facebook. I am asking you to leave me alone and not say anything slanderous about me, my daughters, my grandchildren or family again. I have made arrangements to take care of my legal papers. I am thru with your many years of poison pen letters and your abuse. I know you're ill but I am through. I wish you well but ask to forget who I am. If you ever say anything slanderous about my daughters, myself or my family in the future, rest assured I will see you in Court. Whether it's in Texas or Utah, I will see you in Court."
When I got my Mom's email on September 15, 2011 and replied back to her:
"I got your email and my middle sister's facebook message. I was not trying to slander anyone. I was not trying to blame anyone. I apologize and will respect every one's requests."
That is the last I have heard from my mother or my middle sister. In May 2012, I did hear from my youngest sister and we had several phone conversations and emails. My youngest sister has been struggling with her relationship with my mother and I have tried to listen and be there for her. I know how hard it is to be one of my Mother's daughter and I love my sister. I wanted to be a good sister and at least share with her what I have learned.
This is a really difficult situation. I believe my Mom's comment about legal papers means that she is taking me out of her will. My mother is the matriarch of the family and has the control. Since my mother has money, it enables her to have control with other family members. I have always wanted a real relationship with my mother. A relationship with mutual respect, genuine caring for one another and to be able to share my thoughts and desires as a daughter, woman and a Mom. If our relationship is not real, then what do I have? I want my mother to love me for who I am as a person, not for what I do for her. After many many years, I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never be able to have the relationship I want with my Mom. It has been a hard realization and a lot of grief to come to accept that I have invested so much time in a relationship that is so shallow.
So back to that phone conversation with my sister on October 10th. I knew what the family dynamics were. My sister went on to explain how she did not want to judge me and was trying to understand that I probably took the high road in relinquishing my parental rights to my children. She explained how she and Mom had contacted the foster care worker as they both wanted to remain the Grandmother and the Aunt to the children I had relinquished. My initial thought was what about Bubba Doo? He was their grandson and nephew and she had not even asked to see him when she was in Salt Lake. I remained calm and my sister explained how she wanted us to be close. I calmly explained that Mom had always caused rifts so that as sisters, we were at odds with each other and that we would more than likely never have the closeness she was talking about. All my sister kept saying is that she loved me and did not want to hurt me and wanted to tell me before she put pictures of their trip to Salt Lake on Facebook.
I thanked her for calling and letting me know and we hung up.
As I got off the phone, I was sick to my stomach. I started shaking and crying. I felt betrayed by my family of origin. I was HURT! I believe more HURT than I have ever been in my life. I knew that the color had drained from my face and I could hardly breathe. My mother and sister had absolutely no empathy for the situation I had been in with my children who needed more mental health services than I could provide. They had never offered any help and had never just listened to what I was dealing with or had gone through. I had to realize that I had done what was best for me and my oldest son. I was not a bad mother. I knew that my mother had gotten my sister to go along with her and it was my mother's attempt to punish me because I would not let her control me or my life. This was not really about my children. This was about showing the world what a bad person I was and what good people they were. All of the damage had been done.
I had to protect myself from being hurt anymore than I had already been hurt. I am still grieving the loss of my children and the last thing I needed to see is pictures of my mom and sister with my children on Facebook. I unfriended my youngest sister on Facebook so that I could protect myself and then she could post whatever she needed to post. My mother and middle sister had unfriended me on Facebook back in September 2011. I have not had any further contact with my youngest sister since that phone call.
I knew that there were serious problems with my relationship with my mother, but until all of this never realized just how serious they were. I am grateful that my sister did make that phone call to me and that I was able to say "thank you" to her while she was on the phone. I can't even begin to explain the betrayal I am feeling by my own family. I am thankful that I can continue my journey to become an emotionally healthier person. It is not easy to establish healthy boundaries, but it is necessary. I am sure that I will always grieve the loss of my children as I also grieve the loss of the family I will never have. I will never understand why a mother would treat her daughter like this but realize that I can learn from this experience and become a stronger person. I thank God for giving me the strength to endure, learn, grow and reflect on all of this. I love my mom and sister, but for now cannot subject myself to their punishment. Most of all, I thank my sister for having the courage to make that phone call and let me know before she posted any pictures on Facebook for me to see.
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