 |
| Midway Ice Rink |
It was December 15, 2012, on a snowy Saturday afternoon. My oldest son and I were driving back from his out of town hockey game. The Midway Ice Rink had just opened earlier in the week and Bubba Doo could not wait to be dropped off at the ice rink. The town we live in has an outdoor ice rink that opens in December when the weather permits and usually stays open through February. It has been Bubba Doo's favorite place for the last three years. He learned to ice skate at this outdoor rink and from what he was able to teach himself decided that hockey was his calling and started playing hockey just this year. He LOVES the ice and ice skating and will be at the rink from opening until close each day that is possible.
As we approached our town, Bubba Doo was filled with excitement to see his friends at the ice rink. He had been receiving texts the whole time we were driving asking when he would be there. I wasn't even allowed to stop at home or pick up our dog first. I was told the ice rink came first and so following my strict orders, I was driving straight to the ice rink. Then Bubba Doo got a text from an unknown number that his little brother had been at the ice rink all day. My heart skipped a beat. Bubba Doo was emotional. He said, "Mom, that is my ice rink. Bugga Boo never even liked the ice rink. Remember he would cry and want you to come pick him up." I said, "I remember." Then Bubba Doo said, "I am going anyway. I have every right to be at the ice rink. Why would Bugga Boo be at the ice rink when he doesn't even like it?" I said, "Honey, he is probably hoping to run into you. He knows it's your favorite place."
So we pulled up in the ice rink parking lot and got out of our car. As we enetered by the trailer where you rent your skates, I saw Susan, the mother to my youngest son's best friend. She approached me and said, "Bugga Boo is here and he is nervous." Susan then went on to say, "I know this awkward and I am sorry." I told her, "there is nothing to be sorry for. If Bugga Boo wants to say "hi' he can and if he doesn't I understand." Susan went inside the warming hut and came out with my baby boy. The boy I had voluntarily relinquished my parental rights to on April 5th of this year. I couldn't help but smile as he walked toward me. He ran towards me and gave me the biggest hug he has ever given me in his whole life. I looked down at my baby boy and he was smiling ear to ear. It was a true, genuine hug and I was so HAPPY to see him. As we quit hugging, I grabbed his face with my hands and gave him a big kiss on the cheek and said "I Love You Bugga Boo. I have missed you so much. I can't get over how tall you got." Tears filled my eyes as my heart was filled with emotion. I could not believe I was standing there hugging my youngest son. Next Bugga Boo said, "Mom I am going to Texas on Tuesday." I smiled and said, "Are you going to see Nana and Aunt Franny?" Bugga Boo nodded yes. For a moment my heart was in my throat and I felt like I couldn't breathe. The State was allowing my son to fly to Texas, but I was not even allowed to have unsupervised visits or even a phone call with my own son. Wow! As happy as I was to see my youngest son, I was also sickened with betrayal by my own family that I have been estanged from for 15 months and by the Child Welfare System that I trusted to get my son the help he needed. I fought really hard to keep my emotions in check. Bugga Boo turned next and ran up to Bubba Doo and gave him a BIG hug. I can't even begin to describe the emotions as I watched my two sons hug each other. They were brothers who had been ripped apart by circumstance and a broken Child Welfare System. Brothers who had never been given the chance to say goodbye because of that broken system. I could tell they were both genuinely happy to see each other. When Bubba Doo said "Hi" to his baby brother, Bugga Boo stared in wonderment. Bugga Boo said, "Your voice has changed. It is so deep." It had been over 8 months since I relinquished my rights and almost 12 months since they last saw each other. They both had changed during that time. I suppose we all had.
 |
| Christmas 1999 |
Bugga Boo told me his hands were cold and I gave him a pair of gloves that I had in the pocket of my coat. I told him he could wear them. I could tell Susan was nervous and I assume she was concerned that she would be in trouble with the foster mom or the State. I left the boys skating and drove back home. I remembered that I had some new gloves in one of my drawers at home. I got home, ran up the stairs found the gloves and decided to bring them back to the ice rink. They were Bugga Boo's size and I had bought them a couple of years ago at the end of the season on sale. As I drove back to the ice rink, I reminded myself that I had not done anything wrong. I was not a danger to my youngest son. I would never hurt him or want to make him feel uncomfortable. My heart was racing. I could not believe that I had been able to see my baby boy without DCFS, the State workers, Guardian Ad Litem, Foster care worker or Foster parents by his side. He was a different boy. He was happy to see me and wanted to hug me. I was able to hug him back. It was the most wonderful thing that had happened all year. I was able to genuinely hug my baby one more time without any negative influence by his side. Thank You God!
 |
| Christmas 2002 |
As I returned to the ice rink, I immediately saw Susan and went up to her and gave her the three new pairs of gloves I had found. I told her I had bought them for Bugga Boo a couple of years ago and she could take them for her son and Bugga Boo. Susan said "thanks" and Bugga Boo immediately come over to where I was and put on one of the pairs of gloves. I have to admit I was torn. I wanted to stand there forever and just watch my boys skate around that ice rink. At the same time, I could tell that Susan was extremely nervous that I had come back to the rink. I decided that maybe I could get a picture of my boys together just one more time. I asked Susan if it was ok for me to take a picture of the boys ice skating. Susan's husband was standing by her side and looked at me and said, "you don't need to ask. Go take your picture." I thanked him and walked over to the ice to get the pictures I thought I would never have the opportunity to take.
 |
| Christmas 2003 |
As I reflect back on that day, my heart breaks. I miss my son and feel the empty void in my heart. I grieve the loss of both of my children I relinquished. I wonder how YaYa is doing. Is she ok? Will Bugga Boo be ok? Will my children get the help they need? Do they know how much I LOVE them? Probably not..... How could they? More than likely my daughter feels betrayal just like I do with my own family. I can't blame her. I find myself wondering "How can doing what I felt was the right thing for my children hurt so much? Why does there have to be injustice in the world? Why do children have to be subjected to early trauma? Why does God allow babies to be born to drug addicts and then have those babies go through painful withdrawal from drugs they were exposed to by no choice of their own? It all seems so unfair. It only adds to my grief and my feelings of failure as a parent. I tried to be the best parent I could be. I loved my children and took care of them. At the end of the day, Safety must come first. My home must be SAFE! As sad as I am this time of year especially, I realize I have so much to be grateful for. I had 12 Christmas's with my youngest daughter and 8 Christmas's with my youngest son. I choose to be grateful for what time God did allow me to have with them. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be their mother. I am so happy that I have all of the wonderful memories and the pictures to remind me of those memories. Most especially, I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to hug my son just one more time. An opportunity to receive the Best Christmas Gift a mother could have. A real and Genuine hug from my baby son that will live in my heart and my memory forever. Bugga Boo you gave me the best Christmas Gift a Mom could have. I Love You Lots!
 |
| Christmas 2008 |
No comments:
Post a Comment