A Poem For My Youngest Son

Today marks the two year anniversary of dissolving my youngest son's adoption.  It has been the hardest two years of my life.   I know how much I have been blessed, but also feel the grief of this loss.  On this anniversary, I am sharing this poem I wrote for my baby boy.

 

 

To My Ant, My Bugga Boo

I had already adopted your sister and brother

When I got the call that September to be your mother

 

 Your brother, your sister, now you and me

I could not believe that God had blessed me with three

 

Had to wait to bring you home due to a background check

But I could visit, hold you and love you so what the heck

 

Born 4 weeks early and the same weight just like your oldest sister

It seemed destined that you would be my precious youngest mister

 

Finally got to bring you home on my grandmother’s birthday

Excited that you were now mine and would get to stay

 

Always busy and active and a pleasure to see

I felt so blessed by God to have you in my family

 

Then came the day the hardest decision to make

To have to let you go for your own best sake

 

A heartbreak so big and so much left untold

A system so broken left me nothing to hold

 

God did bless us with one more chance at the rink

To hold you and kiss you and now so much to think

 

Every day that goes by I think of you

Praying that God watches and guides you so true

 

My heart aches as I have to say goodbye 

You are in God’s hands and for now I still cry

 

 

I am so blessed by God for the years that I got to share with you.  I have posted some pictures to share that remind me of that blessing...

First Birthday

Adoption Party

 

 

 

A Nap With Sammy

2008

Fishing in the Jordanelle

 

 

 

Yellowstone National Park July 2009 

 

 

 

Third Grade

 

 

 

Florida June 2011

 

 

 

December 2011

 

 

 

December 2012

 

 

 

A Chance Meeting at the Ice Rinks

This is the last time I got to see my Bugga Boo

 

 

 



A Poem For My Youngest Daughter

June 1999

 

 

Today, April 5, 2014, is the two year anniversary of dissolving my youngest daughter's adoption.  I miss her everyday and it is so hard to live life without her.  I wish so much that I could tell her how blessed I feel to have had her in my life.  Since I can't tell her what I want to, I have written the following poem in her memory as I have not seen her since April 5, 2012.

To My Baby Girl, My Daughter 

 

I can still remember that beautiful warm June day

I got the phone call while at work to say 
 

A sister to my son which was you had been born

And from your birth mother you had been torn 
 

I was in shock, disbelief and overwhelmed with joy

Never thought I would have another child than just my boy 
 

I remember your struggles with being born addicted

The pain, the withdrawal to which your were afflicted 
 

My love for you was real and true from the start

The moment I saw you, you stole my heart 
 

I tried to help you heal from your physical pains

But it took so long for you to make gains 
 

I remember that day in October at 4 months when I nearly lost you

An ambulance ride to the hospital while your color was blue  
 

I remember praying to God to not take you away

You were my baby girl and I wanted you to stay 
 

Through the years I tried so hard to help you heal

But the damage that was done was so deep and unreal 
 

I tried every way I knew to help you feel safe and trust

I had to accept after several years to let go of you I must 
 

To accept and trust in God that he knew best

That my heart and soul just like yours had been put through a test
 

You will always be my baby girl and daughter

My love for you will never end, stray or falter 
 

I say goodbye for now and pray every single day

That God will watch over you and find a loving home where you can stay

 

 

Below are some pictures I want to include of the time I was blessed with my youngest daughter in my life.

December 1999

December 2001

Kindergarten

Girl Scouts

4th Grade Field Trip

Yellowstone National Park July 2009

Disneyland August 2009





Disneyland August 2009

Cross Country Skiing February 2010

Below is the last picture I got of my daughter before I dissolved her adoption.  It is her school picture.  I am so proud of the beautiful young lady she is becoming.  I thank God every day for blessing me with my baby girl....

 

 

 

To My Baby

The desire to have a second child runs very deep in a mother's heart.  In 1995, after years of being
single I thought I had found my soul mate and that we were blessed when I found out I was pregnant with what would be my second child.   I found out I was pregnant on January 3, 1995.  My dream of having a second child was shattered on February 9, 1995.  My wedding date was February 24, 1995.  I wanted our baby to be part of the wedding ceremony.  I know our dream had been lost, but I still felt the need to include something about this loss in the ceremony.  I wrote the following letter which was read by the minister during our ceremony at Lake Tahoe on our wedding day. 

The Minister reading the letter below

                                                          To Our Baby

     We first learned about your existence on January 3rd.  Your father and I were so happy and
excited.  We immediately starting making plans.  The guest room would be the nursery.  I bought a book on names.  September 13th was the day you were due to be born on and was a day we were looking forward to.  Our baby, a baby we loved and wanted very much.  Even your big sister April, was excited and looking forward to being a big sister. 

     Then on Thursday, February 9th, very suddenly and unexpectedly we lost you.  It felt like our world fell apart.  All of our plans, our hopes and our dreams were gone.  We felt so empty.  We will never know if you were a boy or a girl.  We'll never get to hold you or rock you or give you a kiss.  Obviously, God had other plans for you and for us.

     Even though we never got to do the things we dreamed of, there are still things we can give you.  Most importantly is your name:

                                                     Amber Rashelle
                                                            or
                                                    Douglas Austin

     We want you to know how very much you were loved even during the short time you were with us.
 
     Amber Rashelle or Douglas Austin we feel in our hearts that you are up in heaven with all the angels.  My grandmother, your great-grandmother, Nana Sellitto, is up there with you.  She will look after you and take good care of you for us.  She was the best grandmother in the whole world and I know she will love you with all her heart just as we love you.

     Please know that we will never forget you and that you will always be with us in our thought and in our hearts.

                                                                                       All Our Love,

                                                                     Your Mother, Father & Big Sister April

Holding back tears as the letter is read.



Your Mom and Big Sister



 

In June of  that year, my new husband told me he had not been honest with me.  He told me he never wanted a child.  Never had and never will.  I was even more devastated.  I was blessed when in court my new husband had submitted a document representing that he had lied.  The judge upon hearing this told me that since my husband had misrepresented his intentions, I did not need a divorce.   Our marriage was annulled in September 1995 and that is why this blog is entitled "To My Baby."

 

 

Your Mother and Father