I am sitting here thinking back on my life as a mother. Why I wanted to be a Mom and what I thought that would mean. As much as I wanted to be a Mom, my life as a Mom has been anything but typical. The birth of my oldest daughter was the most exciting joyful experience I had ever had. What I didn't realize initially is that I would end up divorced when she was only a year old and I would spend my years parenting as a single Mom. I was prepared to be a Mom but I was not prepared for trying to parent my daughter with an ex-husband in the picture who I could not work with or find a middle ground. My ex-husband and I are as different and night and day. Our approach to parenting is very different as well as our approach to life. I believe if we could have found a middle ground our marriage might have lasted but there was no compromise. I found myself divorced and having to share my two year old daughter with a man I did not trust. It was a very hard time in my life. I was forced to have to "let go" of my daughter before I was ready to let go as a parent. I did have full-time custody but my ex-husband did have regularly scheduled visits. As a parent, I find the "letting go" to be the hardest part of parenting.
The first time I had to "let go" was when my daughter was two months old and I had to go back to work full-time. I worked for an insurance company and I would sit at my desk and cry all day long. The last place I wanted to be was at work. I wanted to be home with my daughter not at work away from her. This caused a lot of trouble in my marriage as my ex-husband wanted me to work. We had discussed this and after returning to work, I quit my full-time job when my daughter was three months old so I could stay home and be a full-time Mom. Call it crazy but I was not ready to be away from my daughter all day long. I was not ready to "Let go." I wanted to be her mother and I wanted to be there with her. My time as a stay at home Mom with my daughter lasted until she was eight months old when I returned to work full-time. I knew that my marriage was on the rocks and I had to be able to support my daughter and myself. My ex-husband had given me a choice. He was dead serious and told me I had to choose. It was her or him? I chose my daughter. She was dependent on me and I was not ready to "Let go."
The next thing I realized is that I was in the middle of the ugliest custody battle with the man who had told me to choose. My ex-husband didn't seem to want either one of us and now that we had separated he wanted his daughter. I was ordered by the court and so I had to let my daughter go for visits. He would come to pick up my daughter and she would run and cling to the drapes and cry because she did not want to leave. I wanted to scream "you can't take her" but if I did not "let her go" then I would be in contempt of court and could go to jail. Against my better judgment, I had to "let her go." It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I had to "Let her go." I would worry and be anxious until she returned and I knew she was safe at home in my arms.
Over time, I got use to the visits my daughter had with her father. I learned to "let her go" and I adjusted to having to "let her go." When my daughter was fourteen years old, she told me she wanted to go live with her Dad so that she could get to know him. My heart was heavy, but I knew it was her choice and I had to "let her choose and I had to let her go." So my daughter moved from Utah where we were living to Texas to live with her Dad. I found myself having to "let go" before she had even entered high school. I missed out on a lot but realized it was her decision and my place as her Mom to support that decision and to "let her go." My daughter never returned to Utah except for visits. She has remained in Texas, went to college in Texas has married and still resides in Texas.
My daughter is now 29 years old, and I realized recently that I was in another position of having to "let her go." I am ashamed to admit that I did not "let her go" very graciously. It has taken me two months to realize again that my job is to "let her choose and to let her go." I realized I wanted to protect her and keep her from harm. Those were the same feelings I had when she was two years old and I had to let her go visit her Dad. I know that there is a chance she can get hurt emotionally and I want to protect her and keep her from harm. I have come to realize that is not my job. I have raised her and she has a good head on her shoulders. As much as we Love our children and want to protect them, we must also love them enough to "Let Go." I am not the first parent to struggle with this and I am sure I won't be the last. I won't apologize for my fears, thoughts and feelings, but I will apologize to my daughter. I am sorry that I doubted her ability to be able to choose and do what was best for her. I am sorry that I was indirectly making her responsible for my feelings. I am proud of her for being able to make her own choices based on her own experiences. That is what I raised her to do. Now as her Mom, I just need to "Let her go." It is scary but it does not mean that I don't care or don't love her. My "letting go" means that I have to trust in her ability to take care of herself and do what is best for her. I know that as her mother there will still be more times that I have to "let go." I know it won't be any easy, but I know that I can trust her and that she can make choices that are appropriate for her. "Letting go" means that I can love my daughter unconditionally. I now know that as long as I live, I will have times that I will have to "let go." It may not be easy to "Let go" but it is a part of parenting just like we have to do when we "let go" and let our baby take her first steps.... We "let go" because we know we can trust them to do what is right for them. We "Let Go" because we Love our children unconditionally....
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