A 2013 Neurology Appointment

Room where YaYa had her 5 day
EEG in August 2005

Today I had a neurology appointment for my oldest son.  We went to the Neurology clinic at Primary Children's Medical Center.  This was not my first visit to Neurology.  Matter of fact, I have had several visits to the Neurology clinic over the last 14 years.  All three of my youngest children have had Neurology appointments for various reasons.  Bubba Doo and YaYa both have seizure disorders.  Bubba Doo, YaYa and Bugga Boo have all three had one hour and 24 hour EEG's as well as MRI's done at the hospital.  My son's appointment was scheduled at the new clinic which is located by the Riverton hospital.  It was a farther distance to drive, but I felt that would be ok since I had never been to that clinic before with any of my children.  It was however, the very first visit I have had to the Neurology clinic since I relinquished my parental rights to YaYa and Bugga Boo. 

It was a nice spacious waiting room with lots of toys and activities for the children.  While we were in the waiting room, one of the Neurologist's walked out and was leaving.  He walked right by me.  I thought I was going to throw up.  It was Dr. Brown (not his real name).  Dr. Brown was the

ER room where YaYa laid
seizing for 6 1/2 hours

neurologist that let YaYa  lay on the stretcher seizing for 6 1/2 hours in the emergency room at Primary Children's hospital on November 8, 2005.  Dr. Brown was the Neurologist who told me my daughter did not have seizures, but that he thought she had Herpes on the brain.  Dr. Brown was the neurologist who I kept asking for over six hours on that dreadful day, "are you sure this isn't seizures?  It sure looks like seizures to me."  Dr. Brown was the Neurologist who kept telling me that YaYa needed a CT scan and Acyclovir.  For over six hours, I kept asking Dr. Brown if he would do an EEG.  During those six hours, I watched my daughter go from not being able to stand, to not being able to sit up, to not being able to hold her head up.  As YaYa  lay there, she was not able to respond, she had twitching but it would be her right hand, then her left eye, right foot, left corner of her mouth, right leg and then she would loose bladder control.  It looked like seizures to me but the twitching was not all at once.  It moved around her body one area at a time.  Three times during that six hours, I had to clean YaYa after she lost bladder control with what I believed was seizures.  FINALLY, after 6 1/2 hours, Dr. Brown agreed to do an EEG.  I believe he mainly decided to do it so I would quit asking.   Dr. Brown was speechless when YaYa's EEG showed that she was in status epilepticus.  Dr. Brown had allowed my daughter to lay in the emergency room seizing for 6 1/2 hours.  As I was reminded of that day's terrible events in 2005, I found myself feeling an overwhelming sadness.  I was remembering all of the times I had taken YaYa to the clinic, emergency room or hospital for her seizures. 

Then  I was greeted by a nurse who was taking Bubba Doo and I back to an examination room.  After
a brief couple of minutes, Dr. Van Orman entered the room.  He walked up to me and said "we have met before, you are YaYa's mother."  I said, "yes."  Dr. Van Orman was a welcomed familiar sight, and as he started examining Bubba Doo he asked me how YaYa was doing?   I could not help but wonder, what I was going to say to him?  How do I tell him I am no longer legally YaYa's mother?   How do I explain that I have no idea how YaYa is doing?  It was at that moment I looked over at Bubba Doo and saw the hurtful look on his face.   I knew I had to say something but keep it to a minimum so that Bubba Doo would not feel even worse than he was already feeling.  I finally got the nerve to tell Dr. Van Orman that YaYa had gone into foster care in August 2010 and that on April 5, 2012 I relinquished my parental rights.  It was a very awkward moment, and the conversation about YaYa ended and he went on to tell me what was going on with Bubba Doo.

As I left the Neurology clinic, I felt a heaviness in my heart.  I had given DCFS all of the neurology information on YaYa and she was due for a Neurology appointment in October 2011.  As of February 2012, YaYa had not been seen by Neurology.  Matter of fact, the court report filed by DCFS stated that YaYa was current on everything and I had to remind my attorney that she was five months over due for a Neurology appointment.   I was not allowed to take YaYa for a follow up Neurology appointment but was told her foster home would insure she got an appointment.  As I walked down the halls of the medical building towards the parking lot, I realized that YaYa had not seen Dr. Van Orman since I had last brought her there in 2010.  If  Dr. Van Orman had seen YaYa, he would know how she was doing and would not have asked so many questions about her.  I found myself wondering who YaYa was seeing for her seizures?  Who was following up on her epilepsy?  Pediatric neurology is limited and I could not help but wonder if any neurologist was seeing YaYa?  I could feel my blood pressure rising and  my head started hurting.  I had relinquished my daughter and had no way to know if she was receiving the proper medical care.  Then I had to remind myself that I had done everything I could to help my daughter.  I remembered that even before I had relinquished, DCFS would not allow me to take her to the neurologist.  I could not help but wonder if YaYa was receiving the proper neurological care and follow up for her epilepsy.  I was reminded of how much I missed YaYa and how I wished I could see her and hug her one more time.  YaYa I am so sorry.  I have placed my trust in God that he is watching over you and making sure that you are taken care of.   I pray that you have outgrown your seizures and will never have to experience another seizure.   I miss you and will never stop loving you and as far as I am concerned you will always be my "Baby Girl."

My Baby Girl