A 2013 Neurology Appointment

Room where YaYa had her 5 day
EEG in August 2005

Today I had a neurology appointment for my oldest son.  We went to the Neurology clinic at Primary Children's Medical Center.  This was not my first visit to Neurology.  Matter of fact, I have had several visits to the Neurology clinic over the last 14 years.  All three of my youngest children have had Neurology appointments for various reasons.  Bubba Doo and YaYa both have seizure disorders.  Bubba Doo, YaYa and Bugga Boo have all three had one hour and 24 hour EEG's as well as MRI's done at the hospital.  My son's appointment was scheduled at the new clinic which is located by the Riverton hospital.  It was a farther distance to drive, but I felt that would be ok since I had never been to that clinic before with any of my children.  It was however, the very first visit I have had to the Neurology clinic since I relinquished my parental rights to YaYa and Bugga Boo. 

It was a nice spacious waiting room with lots of toys and activities for the children.  While we were in the waiting room, one of the Neurologist's walked out and was leaving.  He walked right by me.  I thought I was going to throw up.  It was Dr. Brown (not his real name).  Dr. Brown was the

ER room where YaYa laid
seizing for 6 1/2 hours

neurologist that let YaYa  lay on the stretcher seizing for 6 1/2 hours in the emergency room at Primary Children's hospital on November 8, 2005.  Dr. Brown was the Neurologist who told me my daughter did not have seizures, but that he thought she had Herpes on the brain.  Dr. Brown was the neurologist who I kept asking for over six hours on that dreadful day, "are you sure this isn't seizures?  It sure looks like seizures to me."  Dr. Brown was the Neurologist who kept telling me that YaYa needed a CT scan and Acyclovir.  For over six hours, I kept asking Dr. Brown if he would do an EEG.  During those six hours, I watched my daughter go from not being able to stand, to not being able to sit up, to not being able to hold her head up.  As YaYa  lay there, she was not able to respond, she had twitching but it would be her right hand, then her left eye, right foot, left corner of her mouth, right leg and then she would loose bladder control.  It looked like seizures to me but the twitching was not all at once.  It moved around her body one area at a time.  Three times during that six hours, I had to clean YaYa after she lost bladder control with what I believed was seizures.  FINALLY, after 6 1/2 hours, Dr. Brown agreed to do an EEG.  I believe he mainly decided to do it so I would quit asking.   Dr. Brown was speechless when YaYa's EEG showed that she was in status epilepticus.  Dr. Brown had allowed my daughter to lay in the emergency room seizing for 6 1/2 hours.  As I was reminded of that day's terrible events in 2005, I found myself feeling an overwhelming sadness.  I was remembering all of the times I had taken YaYa to the clinic, emergency room or hospital for her seizures. 

Then  I was greeted by a nurse who was taking Bubba Doo and I back to an examination room.  After
a brief couple of minutes, Dr. Van Orman entered the room.  He walked up to me and said "we have met before, you are YaYa's mother."  I said, "yes."  Dr. Van Orman was a welcomed familiar sight, and as he started examining Bubba Doo he asked me how YaYa was doing?   I could not help but wonder, what I was going to say to him?  How do I tell him I am no longer legally YaYa's mother?   How do I explain that I have no idea how YaYa is doing?  It was at that moment I looked over at Bubba Doo and saw the hurtful look on his face.   I knew I had to say something but keep it to a minimum so that Bubba Doo would not feel even worse than he was already feeling.  I finally got the nerve to tell Dr. Van Orman that YaYa had gone into foster care in August 2010 and that on April 5, 2012 I relinquished my parental rights.  It was a very awkward moment, and the conversation about YaYa ended and he went on to tell me what was going on with Bubba Doo.

As I left the Neurology clinic, I felt a heaviness in my heart.  I had given DCFS all of the neurology information on YaYa and she was due for a Neurology appointment in October 2011.  As of February 2012, YaYa had not been seen by Neurology.  Matter of fact, the court report filed by DCFS stated that YaYa was current on everything and I had to remind my attorney that she was five months over due for a Neurology appointment.   I was not allowed to take YaYa for a follow up Neurology appointment but was told her foster home would insure she got an appointment.  As I walked down the halls of the medical building towards the parking lot, I realized that YaYa had not seen Dr. Van Orman since I had last brought her there in 2010.  If  Dr. Van Orman had seen YaYa, he would know how she was doing and would not have asked so many questions about her.  I found myself wondering who YaYa was seeing for her seizures?  Who was following up on her epilepsy?  Pediatric neurology is limited and I could not help but wonder if any neurologist was seeing YaYa?  I could feel my blood pressure rising and  my head started hurting.  I had relinquished my daughter and had no way to know if she was receiving the proper medical care.  Then I had to remind myself that I had done everything I could to help my daughter.  I remembered that even before I had relinquished, DCFS would not allow me to take her to the neurologist.  I could not help but wonder if YaYa was receiving the proper neurological care and follow up for her epilepsy.  I was reminded of how much I missed YaYa and how I wished I could see her and hug her one more time.  YaYa I am so sorry.  I have placed my trust in God that he is watching over you and making sure that you are taken care of.   I pray that you have outgrown your seizures and will never have to experience another seizure.   I miss you and will never stop loving you and as far as I am concerned you will always be my "Baby Girl."

My Baby Girl

"Letting Go"

I am sitting here thinking back on my life as a mother.  Why I wanted to be a Mom and what I thought that would mean.  As much as I wanted to be a Mom, my life as a Mom has been anything but typical.  The birth of my oldest daughter was the most exciting joyful experience I had ever had.  What I didn't realize initially is that I would end up divorced when she was only a year old and I would spend my years parenting as a single Mom.   I was prepared to be a Mom but I was not prepared for trying to parent my daughter with an ex-husband in the picture who I could not work with or find a middle ground.  My ex-husband and I are as different and night and day.  Our approach to parenting is very different as well as our approach to life.  I believe if we could have found a middle ground our marriage might have lasted but there was no compromise.  I found myself divorced and having to share my two year old daughter with a man I did not trust.  It was a very hard time in my life.  I was forced to have to "let go" of my daughter before I was ready to let go as a parent.  I did have full-time custody but my ex-husband did have regularly scheduled visits.  As a parent, I find the "letting go" to be the hardest part of parenting.

The first time I had to "let go" was when my daughter was two months old and I had to go back to work full-time.  I worked for an insurance company and I would sit at my desk and cry all day long.  The last place I wanted to be was at work.  I wanted to be home with my daughter not at work away from her.  This caused a lot of trouble in my marriage as my ex-husband wanted me to work.  We had discussed this and after returning to work, I quit my full-time job when my daughter was three months old so I could stay home and be a full-time Mom.   Call it crazy but I was  not ready to be away from my daughter all day long.  I was not ready to "Let go."  I wanted to be her mother and I wanted to be there with her.  My time as a stay at home Mom with my daughter lasted until she was eight months old when I returned to work full-time.  I knew that my marriage was on the rocks and I had to be able to support my daughter and myself.  My ex-husband had given me a choice. He was dead serious and told me I had to choose.  It was her or him?  I chose my daughter.  She was dependent on me and I was not ready to "Let go." 

The next thing I realized is that I was in the middle of the ugliest custody battle with the man who had told me to choose.    My ex-husband didn't seem to want either one of us and now that we had separated he wanted his daughter.  I was ordered by the court and so I had to let my daughter go for visits.  He would come to pick up my daughter and she would run and cling to the drapes and cry because she did not want to leave.  I wanted to scream "you can't take her" but if I did not "let her go" then I would be in contempt of court and could go to jail.  Against my better judgment, I had to "let her go."  It was the hardest thing I had ever done, but I had to "Let her go."   I would worry and be anxious until she returned and I knew she was safe at home in my arms. 

Over time, I got use to the visits my daughter had with her father.  I learned to "let her go" and I adjusted to having to "let her go."   When my daughter was fourteen years old, she told me she wanted to go live with her Dad so that she could get to know him.  My heart was heavy, but I knew it was her choice and I had to "let her choose and I had to let her go."   So my daughter moved from Utah where we were living to Texas to live with her Dad.  I  found myself having to "let go" before she had even entered high school.  I missed out on a lot but realized it was her decision and my place as her Mom to support that decision and to "let her go."   My daughter never returned to Utah except for visits.  She has remained in Texas, went to college in Texas has married and still resides in Texas. 

My daughter is now 29 years old,  and I realized recently that I was in another position of having to "let her go."  I am ashamed to admit that I did not "let her go" very graciously.   It has taken me two months to realize again that my job is to "let her choose and to let her go."   I realized I wanted to protect her and keep her from harm.  Those were the same feelings I had when she was two years old and I had to let her go visit her Dad.   I know that there is a chance she can get hurt emotionally and I want to protect her and keep her from harm.  I have come to realize that is not my job.  I have raised her and she has a good head on her shoulders.  As much as we Love our children and want to protect them, we must also love them enough to "Let Go."  I am not the first parent to struggle with this and I am sure I won't be the last.  I won't apologize for my fears, thoughts and feelings, but I will apologize to my daughter.  I am sorry that I doubted her ability to be able to choose and do what was best for her.   I am sorry that I was indirectly making her responsible for my feelings.   I am proud of her for being able to make her own choices based on her own experiences.  That is what I raised her to do.  Now as her Mom, I just need to "Let her go."  It is scary but it does not mean that I don't care or don't love her.  My "letting go" means that I have to trust in her ability to take care of herself and do what is best for her.  I know that as her mother there will still be more times that I have to "let go."  I know it won't be any easy, but I know that I can trust her and that she can make choices that are appropriate for her.  "Letting go" means that I can love my daughter unconditionally.   I now know that as long as I live, I will have times that I will have to "let go."   It may not be easy to "Let go" but it is a part of parenting just like we have to do when we "let go" and let our baby take her first steps....  We "let go" because we know we can trust them to do what is right for them.  We "Let Go" because we Love our children unconditionally....

An Email to the US Department of Justice

The following email was sent to the US Department of Justice on December 12, 2012:

Vincent,

I was given your name by a friend who was at the meeting that was held in Salt Lake City today.  I was told you were interested in hearing from other families who have adopted children and were not able to get the needed mental health services for their children.  I am a single mother who has been a foster parent for the State of Utah and I have adopted three siblings who were each born addicted to heroin.  I fostered each child prior to adopting them from the Division of Child and Family Services (DCFS).  I adopted my oldest son in 1999 and then was contacted by DCFS when the next two children were born as I was told that DCFS tries to keep siblings together.  My youngest two children have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, Cognitive disorder and my daughter also has a Generalized Seizure disorder and developmental delays.  I adopted my youngest daughter in June 2000 and was forced to place her back into foster care on August 24, 2010, due to safety issues in my home and to protect my other two children from her aggression.  My youngest son was adopted in September 2004 and was placed in foster care on December 28, 2011, due to safety issues in my home and intentional harm he had caused to our family pets which resulted in the death of one of our pets.  After 20 months of dealing with DCFS, it became apparent that I was in a NO WIN situation.  I became physically sick and was hospitalized in February 2012.  On April 5, 2012, I relinquished my parental rights to my two youngest children.  I have not seen either of my two children since that day in court. 

I still have their older brother who is my 14 year old son.  This has been a devastating loss for our family.  What I found was that the Child Welfare System (Juvenile Judge, Guardian Ad Litem, Assistant Attorney General, DCFS) wanted to blame me and make me the problem rather than addressing the needs of my children and providing the help they needed.  I was told I was unstable because I cried in court.  I was told in December that the Guardian /ad Litem would only allow DCFS supervised visits.  The reason I was given for supervised visits is that I had cried in court in front of my children and I was told it was inappropriate to cry in front of them.  I was told I could not have phone calls with my children because there was no way for DCFS to monitor the calls.  I am not a drug addict.  I am not abusive or neglectful.  I love my children very much and did everything I could to help them and to advocate for them.  My children had Medicaid as well as being covered on my insurance with work and I still could not get them residential care.  I was advised by the DCFS Post Adopt worker and the Post Adopt committee that the only resource I had was foster care.  So I followed the advice I was given by the DCFS Post Adopt worker and the Post Adopt committee, only to find myself being charged with Abandonment in August 2010, when my daughter had been hospitalized at University Neuropsychiatric Institute after trying to kill her little brother.  I was in a no win situation then too because if I took my daughter home and she injured or killed one of her brothers, I would be charged with "Failure to Protect" and if I didn't take her home then I would be charged with "Abandonment."   As a parent it was a heart wrenching decision, but felt I had to refuse to take her home so that Children's Protective Services would get involved and my daughter could get the help she needed and that I was unable to get as her adoptive parent.

I would be happy to meet with you and can provide any information or documentation you may need regarding my situation.  I have lost two children and am having to deal with that grief everyday.  My son has lost his siblings and is dealing with this as well as the loss of his biological family.  I pray for the day when the Child Welfare System will provide traumatized children the needed mental health services instead of forcing adoptive parents to place their children back into foster care.  I was blamed for trauma my children had endured before even being placed in my home.  I did everything I could to help them, but I was not responsible for their early trauma.  To have to place a child with Trauma and Reactive Attachment Disorder back into foster care after they have been adopted is not doing what is in that child's best interest.  I pray for the day all children get the permanency they need and deserve.  Please let me know if there is anyway I can help advocate so that other families don't have to go through what my family has gone through.

Sincerely,

A Mother Who Has Lost Two of Her Blessings.....