I am Not Perfect...

I am feeling overwhelming grief today.  Like I could just sit down and cry for a week.  It was Monday, December 17th, in the evening.  I needed to go to the store to get toilet paper, paper towels and some groceries.  I usually go to Walmart for those things, but since I ran into Bugga Boo at Walmart in October I figured I had better go to Smith's instead.  I didn't want to push my luck.  God had just blessed me with the opportunity to see my son two days earlier at the ice rink.  So I loaded my dog Nellie, in the car and away we went.  I was feeling tired and still feeling emotional that I had seen my youngest son two days earlier.   I was going up and down the aisles at Smith's getting the things I needed.  As I turned down the last aisle, I spotted a young boy riding on a basket.  I could only see the back of him but I thought that looks like Bugga Boo.  As I kept walking, I noticed the woman with the boy and realized it was Julie, Bugga Boo's foster mother.  As I passed the boy, he looked at me and smiled ear to ear.  His whole face lit up.  It was Bugga Boo!  There I was face to face with my son who was across the aisle.  I smiled and said "Hi".  He said "Hi" back.  It was at that moment Julie scowled at me and turned to say something to Bugga Boo.  I could not hear what she was saying, but she had a very serious look on her face and was being very stern.  The smile immediately disappeared from Bugga Boo's face.  I just froze holding on to my basket for dear life.  My heart was pounding and I felt faint.  I was trying to grasp what was happening.  Julie turned to me and gestured with her hand for me to leave.  I just stood there frozen in disbelief.  Julie waved me on abruptly two more times.  So I pushed my basket to the check out line and left the store.  I left that store and could not even cry.  I wanted to just say "hi" and hug my son but knew I couldn't.  My heart was broken again.

I called my best friend Dee and told her what had just happened.  Dee said "you didn't let that f@#+i*&g b*&ch tell you what to do?  I said "yes I guess I did."  I did not want Julie to feel threatened by me and the last thing I want to do is to cause a scene in front of my son.  It is just not who I am.  I have to say I love Dee and she truly is my friend.  She was with me at every court hearing for the 20 months I was dealing with DCFS.   I never anticipated running into my youngest son and having Julie shoo me away like I was a piece of garbage.  At that moment, that is how I felt.  I didn't matter.  I had no say and I needed to just leave.  I know I relinquished my parental rights, but I feel in my heart he is still my son.  Maybe that is selfish of me, but a piece of paper does not undo 8 years of parenting.

My Mom, My Sisters and I

Later that day I received a phone call from my godfather, Uncle Anthony who lives in New Jersey.   As I was telling my Italian godfather what happened he immediately said, "you did not let that B*&tch tell you what to do?"  I said "yes I guess I did."  You see I know without a doubt that my godfather loves me and does not want to see me hurt.  It is comforting to know that but I have to handle things in my own way.  My way at that moment when I was shooed away by Julie was to push my basket and just leave.  Julie's gesture has bothered me since that day.  At first, I think I was in shock and now 10 days later I am in tears.  You see I am not the perfect parent, far from it.  I love all my children and did everything I could to be a good Mom.  I tried to meets my son's needs, love him, be there for him as much as I could with my youngest daughter acting out all the time.  I am not a drug addict, abusive or neglectful.  I think by most standards people would say I am a good parent.  Not perfect, not the best but a good one.  Everyone that is but DCFS, The State of Utah, Guardian Ad Litem and the State Assistant Attorney General and last but not least my Mother and Sisters.

My Sisters and I.

What I have come to figure out is that Julie waving me on to get out of that aisle at Smith's is emotionally how I feel about my mom and sisters.   I have known for years and years that there was something really wrong with my relationship with my mother.  As a child, I tried to be the PERFECT daughter.  I realize now that being PERFECT was my way to win her approval.  Problem is no one is perfect.  None of us are.  I think the more we try to be perfect the less we are perfect.  What is PERFECT anyway?   In reality it is something we can never achieve.  If we try to be PERFECT we set ourselves up for failure.  It is an impossible goal, but a goal that I have hung on to for far too many years.  In looking back on my childhood it makes sense to me why my sisters did not like me.  I did not like me!  How could they live up to the golden example I had set.  I had raised the bar way too high.  I didn't mean to hurt them, but I realize that I did.  I did try to be there for them and I tried to be a parent to them at times when I knew they needed a parent.  I guess that was wrong too.  I had no business being a parent to my sisters.  I was still a child myself.  As teenagers, my sisters and I drifted far apart.  I was more academic and participated in High school activities.  My sisters chose a different self destructive path.  My parents got divorced and my dad wasn't around alot.  It was sad to watch and mom just buried herself in her work.  My sisters and I knew without a doubt that my mother's work was more important to her than we were.  We knew that was how it was and just accepted it.

1974

The bigger problem with my mom began when I realized I wasn't able to be who I was.  I felt like I could not be who I wanted to be.  I wanted to have my own interests, goals and career.  I even wanted my own family.  As long as I did what my mother wanted, everything was good.  The minute I didn't, she would somehow get even.  She was demanding and controlling.  I could never understand why she was so mean when I didn't want to hurt her, I just wanted to be who God wanted me to be.   If I tried to ask her why she was being so controlling, she would just get angry and tell me how sick I was.  I could not win.  The only way I could stay on neutral ground with my mom would be to always do what she wanted or expected.  I decided at age 33, that the price was to high.  I only had one life and I needed it to be MINE.  I did not want to hurt my mom, but I can't be who she wants me to be.  I have to be true to myself.  If I allowed my mom to buy me with her money, then I felt like I would be selling my soul to the Devil.  This is not something I want to do.

1982

I have learned that I was raised by a Narcissistic mother.  I get that my mother is Narcissistic because of the trauma she endured in her early childhood.  She was pulled away from her father at a young age when my grandmother left my grandfather.  My mom's stepfather was abusive physically, emotionally and sexually.  I know her stepfather spent time in jail for this abuse.  I get and totally understand that.  After parenting my youngest daughter and learning about attachment disorders, I even understand that my mom more than likely had an attachment disorder as a child which is why she is Narcissistic now.  I am sure that my grandmother was a Narcissistic mother.  I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but I am trying to understand why I am the way I am.  It is this search for understanding that has caused me to be estranged from my mom and sisters.

My Sisters, My Oldest Daughter
 and Myself in 1984

It was 15 months ago, when I got the email from my mom to leave her, her daughters and her family alone.  I have had no contact since then.  You see my mom was upset because I had posted on Facebook a question in Dr. McBride's group for daughters raised by Narcissistic mothers.  My question was if there was a link between being raised in a Narcissistic family and having autoimmune diseases?    I also mentioned about my sisters have drug addiction problems.  My mom saw that post and thought I was slandering her and my sisters.  That was never my intent.  I am just trying to understand how my physical and emotional well being are connected.  I sent an email apologizing to my mom and sisters and tried to explain I was not blaming anyone or slandering anyone.  I was just trying to understand.  I never heard back. 

My Sisters and I.

So you are now wondering what that has to do with Julie shooing me away in the grocery store?  I realize that Julie's gesture is what my family has done to me.  They have all shooed me away.  My mom in an attempt to try and control me is using my sisters and her relationship with my youngest son to punish me.  That is why Bugga Boo is in Texas right now.  It is to prove to the world what a terrible parent I am and what wonderful people my mom and sisters are.  My mom and sisters have no idea about how I was treated by the State.  I think in the end they don't even care.  It is the constant "feeling like a failure in my mother's eyes" that I have to get away from.  I will NEVER be that PERFECT daughter.  I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PERFECT DAUGHTER.  I did NOT have the emotional strength to continue the battle with the State of Utah because it was too close to the relationship I have with my mom.  No matter what DCFS or the State wanted me to do, I was never good enough.  If I was sad and cried, it was wrong.  If I tried to advocate for my daughter in foster care I was wrong.  When my son asked me why he was in foster care and I said "it is not ok to hurt the animals"  DCFS and the Guardian Ad Litem told me I was wrong to tell him that.  Just like my mom, I could not talk to the State.  The Guardian Ad Litem was the worst.  I had to have supervised visits why???  There was no reason why.  I was being punished and being forced to do things they way DCFS and the State saw them.  What if they were wrong just like my mom?   I ended up physically sick and in the hospital and knew without a doubt I would loose ME if I didn't get away from DCFS and all of the State's madness.  I DID NOT HAVE THE EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL STRENGTH TO CONTINUE TO BE IN AN ADVERSARIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE STATE.

So on April 5th, I voluntarily relinquished my parental rights to my two youngest children.  I did not do this because I don't LOVE them.  I did it because I am not the PERFECT parent and loving them was not enough to fix the mental health issues and safety issues in my home.   I LOVE them enough to want them to have a chance to get the help I could not get them.  I LOVE them enough to let them go.  Yes I realize alot of people would see that as being a bad parent.  I don't!  I think at the end of the day it was the right thing to know and acknowledge my limitations as a parent.  I get it!  I AM NOT THE PERFECT PARENT.  So Julie, my mom, my sisters and anyone else can just brush me aside.  I can't worry about what you think.  I know at the end of the day that Bugga Boo's face lit up when he saw me in the grocery store and hopefully, God willing, one day I will be able to explain to my children why I did what I did.  That I was not a PERFECT parent, but what I did was out of LOVE for them.  I have a responsibility as their mother to not ignore behaviors that are unsafe.  I tried unsuccessfully for seven years to help them and at the end of the day it just was not enough.  So to all the Julie's in the world who want to shoo me away like I am unfit trash, know that I did the best I could.  Yes, I was NOT A PERFECT MOTHER.  I did everything I could and at the end of the day I was HONEST with myself and did what I did out of LOVE.  If I ever see my sisters again I would explain that I LOVE them and apologize for trying to be PERFECT.  Ya Ya and Bugga Boo I LOVE you and MISS you both everyday.......  

   



    

A Mother's Best Christmas Gift!

Midway Ice Rink

It was December 15, 2012, on a snowy Saturday afternoon.  My oldest son and I were driving back from his out of town hockey game.  The Midway Ice Rink had just opened earlier in the week and Bubba Doo could not wait to be dropped off at the ice rink.  The town we live in has an outdoor ice rink that opens in December when the weather permits and usually stays open through February.  It has been Bubba Doo's  favorite place for the last three years.  He learned to ice skate at this outdoor rink and from what he was able to teach himself decided that hockey was his calling and started playing hockey just this year.  He LOVES the ice and ice skating and will be at the rink from opening until close each day that is possible.



As we approached our town, Bubba Doo was filled with excitement to see his friends at the ice rink.  He had been receiving texts the whole time we were driving asking when he would be there.  I wasn't even allowed to stop at home or pick up our dog first.  I was told the ice rink came first and so following my strict orders, I was driving straight to the ice rink.  Then Bubba Doo got a text from an unknown number that his little brother had been at the ice rink all day.  My heart skipped a beat.  Bubba Doo was emotional.  He said, "Mom, that is my ice rink.  Bugga Boo never even liked the ice rink.  Remember he would cry and want you to come pick him up."  I said,  "I remember."  Then Bubba Doo said, "I am going anyway.  I have every right to be at the ice rink.  Why would Bugga Boo be at the ice rink when he doesn't even like it?"  I said, "Honey, he is probably hoping to run into you.  He knows it's your favorite place."

So we pulled up in the ice rink parking lot and got out of our car.  As we enetered by the trailer where you rent your skates, I saw Susan, the mother to my youngest son's best friend.  She approached me and said, "Bugga Boo is here and he is nervous."   Susan then went on to say, "I know this awkward and I am sorry."  I told her, "there is nothing to be sorry for.  If Bugga Boo wants to say "hi' he can and if he doesn't I understand."  Susan went inside the warming hut and came out with my baby boy.  The boy I had voluntarily relinquished my parental rights to on April 5th of this year.  I couldn't help but smile as he walked toward me.  He ran towards me and gave me the biggest hug he has ever given me in his whole life.  I looked down at my baby boy and he was smiling ear to ear.  It was a true, genuine hug and I was so HAPPY to see him.  As we quit hugging, I grabbed his face with my hands and gave him a big kiss on the cheek and said "I Love You Bugga Boo.  I have missed you so much.  I can't get over how tall you got."   Tears filled my eyes as my heart was filled with emotion.  I could not believe I was standing there hugging my youngest son.  Next Bugga Boo said, "Mom I am going to Texas on Tuesday."  I smiled and said, "Are you going to see Nana and Aunt Franny?"  Bugga Boo nodded yes.  For a moment my heart was in my throat and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  The State was allowing my son to fly to Texas, but I was not even allowed to have unsupervised visits or even a phone call with my own son.  Wow!  As happy as I was to see my youngest son, I was also sickened with betrayal by my own family that I have been estanged from for 15 months and by the Child Welfare System that I trusted to get my son the help he needed.  I fought really hard to keep my emotions in check.  Bugga Boo turned next and ran up to Bubba Doo and gave him a BIG hug.  I can't even begin to describe the emotions as I watched my two sons hug each other.  They were brothers who had been ripped apart by circumstance and a broken Child Welfare System.  Brothers who had never been given the chance to say goodbye because of that broken system.  I could tell they were both genuinely happy to see each other.  When Bubba Doo said "Hi" to his baby brother, Bugga Boo stared in wonderment.  Bugga Boo said, "Your voice has changed.  It is so deep."  It had been over 8 months since I relinquished my rights and almost 12 months since they last saw each other.  They both had changed during that time.  I suppose we all had.

Christmas 1999

Bugga Boo told me his hands were cold and I gave him a pair of gloves that I had in the pocket of my coat.  I told him he could wear them.  I could tell Susan was nervous and I assume she was concerned that she would be in trouble with the foster mom or the State.  I left the boys skating and drove back home.  I remembered that I had some new gloves in one of my drawers at home.  I got home, ran up the stairs found the gloves and decided to bring them back to the ice rink.  They were Bugga Boo's size and I had bought them a couple of years ago at the end of the season on sale.  As I drove back to the ice rink, I reminded myself that I had not done anything wrong.  I was not a danger to my youngest son.  I would never hurt him or want to make him feel uncomfortable.  My heart was racing.  I could not believe that I had been able to see my baby boy without DCFS, the State workers, Guardian Ad Litem, Foster care worker or Foster parents by his side.  He was a different boy.  He was happy to see me and wanted to hug me.  I was able to hug him back.  It was the most wonderful thing that had happened all year.  I was able to genuinely hug my baby one more time without any negative influence by his side.  Thank You God!


Christmas 2002

As I returned to the ice rink, I immediately saw Susan and went up to her and gave her the three new pairs of gloves I had found.  I told her I had bought them for Bugga Boo a couple of years ago and she could take them for her son and Bugga Boo.  Susan said "thanks" and Bugga Boo immediately come over to where I was and put on one of the pairs of gloves.  I have to admit I was torn.  I wanted to stand there forever and just watch my boys skate around that ice rink.  At the same time, I could tell that Susan was extremely nervous that I had come back to the rink.    I decided that maybe I could get a picture of my boys together just one more time.  I asked Susan if it was ok for me to take a picture of the boys ice skating.  Susan's husband was standing by her side and looked at me and said, "you don't need to ask.  Go take your picture."  I thanked him and walked over to the ice to get the pictures I thought I would never have the opportunity to take.

Christmas 2003

As I reflect back on that day, my heart breaks.  I miss my son and feel the empty void in my heart.  I grieve the loss of both of my children I relinquished.  I wonder how YaYa is doing.  Is she ok?   Will Bugga Boo be ok?  Will my children get the help they need?  Do they know how much I LOVE them?  Probably not.....  How could they?  More than likely my daughter feels betrayal just like I do with my own family.  I can't blame her.  I find myself wondering "How can doing what I felt was the right thing for my children hurt so much?  Why does there have to be injustice in the world?  Why do children have to be subjected to early trauma?  Why does God allow babies to be born to drug addicts and then have those babies go through painful withdrawal from drugs they were exposed to by no choice of their own?   It all seems so unfair.  It only adds to my grief and my feelings of failure as a parent.  I tried to be the best parent I could be.  I loved my children and took care of them.  At the end of the day, Safety must come first.  My home must be SAFE!  As sad as I am this time of year especially, I realize I have so much to be grateful for.  I had 12 Christmas's with my youngest daughter and 8 Christmas's with my youngest son.  I choose to be grateful for what time God did allow me to have with them.  I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be their mother.  I am so happy that I have all of the wonderful memories and the pictures to remind me of those memories.  Most especially, I am grateful to have been given the opportunity to hug my son just one more time.  An opportunity to receive the Best Christmas Gift a mother could have.   A real and Genuine hug from my baby son that will live in my heart and my memory forever.  Bugga Boo you gave me the best Christmas Gift a Mom could have.  I Love You Lots!

Christmas 2008





A Phone Call From My Sister

It was an ordinary evening at work the the night of October 10th,  when I got a text from my youngest sister.  She wanted to know if I could talk.  I had some down time, so I texted back that I was at work but did have a few minutes I could talk.  Immediately my cell phone rang and it was my sister.  Our conversation started with the normal chit chat and then my sister told me she needed to talk to me but felt maybe she should not talk to me while I was at work as it could be emotional.  I had no idea what she wanted to talk about but told her it was ok for her to talk to me.  At the time, I thought maybe something was going on in her life and she needed to talk to someone.  I was not prepared for what I was about to hear. 

My sister started telling me how she had been in Salt Lake recently but had not been able to see me.  I had no idea why she would be in Salt Lake and said "that's ok."  I was thinking maybe she had been here on business.  As my sister proceeded to talk, she told me that she had come to see the children.  I said, "my children."  My sister said, "Well they're not your children anymore."  It took me a second but I then realized she meant she was in Salt Lake to see my children that I had relinquished my parental rights to.  I stayed calm, but at that moment my breath had been taken away and I felt like a knife had been stabbed through my gut.  I tried to take some deep breaths but felt immobilized with disbelief.   As my sister continued to talk the picture became very clear to me.  I said to her, "you were here with Mom."  My sister said "yes."  I was in shock with what felt like betrayal.   Why would my Mom and sister come to Salt Lake behind my back to see the children I had relinquished?  My sister continued to talk and said that she loved me and did not want to hurt me.  She was calling because it had bothered her and she wanted to let me know.  WOW!  I was not even for sure what to say.  I had to keep reminding myself not to cry.

I have been no contact with my mother since September 15, 2011.  I have had a very difficult relationship with my mother my whole life.  I have spent years in therapy on and off trying to figure out how to fix that relationship.  Since it was the relationship with my mother, I always felt it was worth saving and working on.  A couple of years ago, I finally figured out what the problem is.  My mother is very narcissistic.  I stumbled on a book by Dr. Karyl McBride entitled Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers .  As I read Dr. McBride's book, I realized why I had not been able to fix my relationship with my Mother.  I joined Dr. McBride's support group on Facebook and posted a comment about what the relationship might be between autoimmune diseases and being raised by a narcissistic parent.  In that post, I mentioned that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and that both of my younger sisters had autoimmune diseases and both of my sisters had struggled with drug addiction.  I am not a psychologist but feel my sisters' drug addictions are related to how we were raised.  We weren't allowed to have feelings and when we did they were never validated.  It has been my lifelong journey to try to heal myself and to understand myself better.  It is not my desire to blame anyone or to be angry.  I want to learn from my past and I want to become a better person.

The trouble started when my middle sister saw my post on Facebook and then showed it to my mother.  I received an email from my mother on September 14, 2011 which said:

"I saw your post on Facebook.  I am asking you to leave me alone and not say anything slanderous about me, my daughters, my grandchildren or family again.  I have  made arrangements to take care of my legal papers.  I am thru with your many years of poison pen letters and your abuse.  I know you're ill but I am through.  I wish you well but ask to forget who I am.  If you ever say anything slanderous about my daughters, myself or my family in the future, rest assured I will see you in Court.  Whether it's in Texas or Utah, I will see you in Court."

When I got my Mom's email on September 15, 2011 and replied back to her:

"I got your email and my middle sister's facebook message. I was not trying to slander anyone.  I was not trying to blame anyone.  I apologize and will respect every one's requests."

That is the last I have heard from my mother or my middle sister.  In May 2012, I did hear from my youngest sister and we had several phone conversations and emails.  My youngest sister has been struggling with her relationship with my mother and I have tried to listen and be there for her.  I know how hard it is to be one of my Mother's daughter and I love my sister.  I wanted to be a good sister and at least share with her what I have learned. 

This is a really difficult situation.  I believe my Mom's comment about legal papers means that she is taking me out of her will.  My mother is the matriarch of the family and has the control.  Since my mother has money, it enables her to have control with other family members.  I have always wanted a real relationship with my mother.  A relationship with mutual respect, genuine caring for one another and to be able to share my thoughts and desires as a daughter, woman and a Mom.  If our relationship is not real, then what do I have?  I want my mother to love me for who I am as a person, not for what I do for her.  After many many years, I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never be able to have the relationship I want with my Mom.  It has been a hard realization and a lot of grief to come to accept that I have invested so much time in a relationship that is so shallow. 

So back to that phone conversation with my sister on October 10th.  I knew what the family dynamics were.  My sister went on to explain how she did not want to judge me and was trying to understand that I probably took the high road in relinquishing my parental rights to my children.  She explained how she and Mom had contacted the foster care worker as they both wanted to remain the Grandmother and the Aunt to the children I had relinquished.   My initial thought was what about Bubba Doo?  He was their grandson and nephew and she had not even asked to see him when she was in Salt Lake.  I remained calm and my sister explained how she wanted us to be close.  I calmly explained that Mom had always caused rifts so that as sisters, we were at odds with each other and that we would more than likely never have the closeness she was talking about.  All my sister kept saying is that she loved me and did not want to hurt me and wanted to tell me before she put pictures of their trip to Salt Lake on Facebook.
I thanked her for calling and letting me know and we hung up.

As I got off the phone, I was sick to my stomach.  I started shaking and crying.  I felt betrayed by my family of origin.  I was HURT!  I believe more HURT than I have ever been in my life.  I knew that the color had drained from my face and I could hardly breathe.  My mother and sister had absolutely no empathy for the situation I had been in with my children who needed more mental health services than I could provide.  They had never offered any help and had never just listened to what I was dealing with or had gone through.  I had to realize that I had done what was best for me and my oldest son.  I was not a bad mother.  I knew that my mother had gotten my sister to go along with her and it was my mother's attempt to punish me because I would not let her control me or my life.  This was not really about my children.  This was about showing the world what a bad person I was and what good people they were.  All of the damage had been done.

I had to protect myself from being hurt anymore than I had already been hurt.  I am still grieving the loss of my children and the last thing I needed to see is pictures of my mom and sister with my children on Facebook.   I unfriended my youngest sister on Facebook so that I could protect myself and then she could post whatever she needed to post.  My mother and middle sister had unfriended me on Facebook back in September 2011. I have not had any further contact  with my youngest sister since that phone call.

I knew that there were serious problems with my relationship with my mother, but until all of this never realized just how serious they were.  I am grateful that my sister did make that phone call to me and that I was able to say "thank you" to her while she was on the phone.  I can't even begin to explain the betrayal I am feeling by my own family.  I am thankful that I can continue my journey to become an emotionally healthier person.   It is not easy to establish healthy boundaries, but it is necessary.  I am sure that I will always grieve the loss of my children as I also grieve the loss of the family I will never have.  I will never understand why a mother would treat her daughter like this but realize that I can learn from this experience and become a stronger person.  I thank God for giving me the strength to endure, learn, grow and reflect on all of this.  I love my mom and sister, but for now cannot subject myself to their punishment.  Most of all, I thank my sister for having the courage to make that phone call and let me know before she posted any pictures on Facebook for me to see.  


 

A Halloween Lesson

I wasn't going to write about this but it keeps bothering me so I decided to get it off my chest.  This was our first Halloween since I relinquished my parental rights to Ya Ya and Bugga Boo.  My heart had been heavy all day thinking about the children I no longer had and would not be able to take trick or treating.  I had to work that day and Bubba Doo was home alone after school.  Bubba Doo decided to go as a hockey player.  He carved some pumpkins and did some trick or treating around the neighborhood before I got home.  I finally made it home around 8:15pm after working a twelve hour shift.   Bubba Doo wanted to go to a neighborhood in our town called Cobblestone.  We have gone there in the past and all of the kids enjoyed trick or treating in that neighborhood.  I was informed that the one house that always gave away hot dogs would be grilling hot dogs again for all of the kids who came by for a treat.

As soon as I got home, I loaded Bubba Doo and our dog Nellie in the car and away we went to Cobblestone.  I tried as hard as I could to act like everything was normal, but I felt the pain and emptiness of my two youngest children who were no longer a part of our family.  I could tell Bubba Doo was feeling lost too.  It was dark and cold out so Nellie and I stayed in the car as Bubba Doo wanted to trick or treat without his Mom by his side.  At age 14, you don't want your Mom right there.  I understood and stayed a safe distance away in the car, but close enough so I could make sure he was ok.  I held back my tears as I wanted Bubba Doo to have good memories of this Halloween even though it was different for both of us. 

I watched as my son went up to a house and rang the door bell.  A man answered and seemed rather irriatated that my son was at the door saying "trick or treat."  The man abruptly said "you're kind of big for this aren't you?  I am getting ready to shut this down."  I was proud of my son as he politely said "thank you" when the man handed him a piece of candy.  As I sat there, I found myself getting angrier and angrier.  Of all the children in the world, this man chose my son to have an attitude with.  A 14 year old boy who had lost both of his siblings and wanted more than anything to just feel some normalcy in what has been the worst year of his life.  I found myself wanting to go ring that man's doorbell and give him a piece of my mind.  Then I reminded myself that I had no idea what had been going on in that man's life.  It was obvious that he was not happy and for all I know he may have gone through more trauma than my son and I had experienced. 

I continued to watch my son trick or treat and finally get to the house with the grilled hot dogs.  Bubba Doo got his hot dog and then got in the car and said "We can go home now Mom, I got my hot dog."   I was really proud of my son.  This was not the best Halloween and it was obvious to both of us that we were feeling the loss of half of our family.  As I drove home, I thought to myself about the man who was irritated with my son.  I thought about my feelings of sadness about the loss of my two children.  I also thought about the pride I had in my son to make the most of this Halloween and to be polite even in the face of rudeness.   I have learned something from all of this.  I have learned to not judge and to try and look beyond the obvious.  To feel compassion for others and to not let their mood affect mine.  I realize that you can never know what someone else may be going through.  I miss my children with all my heart and it was a very sad Halloween, but at the same time I realize that God has blessed me with the opportunity to trick or treat with my 14 year old son and I want to look at the positive in that experience.   I know that my grief is normal and I thank God everyday for allowing me the opportunity to be a Mom to each of my children.  I thank God that I was able to have each of my children in my life even if it was not for as long as I thought it would be.  I want to learn to be grateful for the blessings in my life and learn to enjoy them everyday.  Most of all I want to thank that irritated man for My Halloween Lesson.....