I had always dreamed of a second child. My heart yearned for another baby but with a divorce in my past I was not sure I would ever even have the opportunity to have another pregnancy. No one can even imagine my delight and excitement when I learned on January 3, 1995, that I was indeed pregnant. I was 37 years old and about to be married. I was so hopeful that this would be the marriage that would last. That I had truly found my soul mate. The partner who would be by my side through all of life's trials and tribulations. His name was Don and he knew from when we first met that I was wanting to remarry and hopefully, God willing have another baby. Don and I had been dating for two years and we had our share of troubles but I felt we had worked through so much and had come such a long way. I was so excited and thought that finally I would have the family I had always yearned for.
We were planning our wedding at a quaint chapel in Lake Tahoe in February. I had been to my obstetrician and confirmed my pregnancy. I had such a perfect pregnancy with my oldest daughter and did not even have one day of morning sickness. I felt great. I was soooo happy. I started planning for my new arrival. I couldn't help but start thinking of names. We decided on Amber Rashelle for a girl and Douglas Austin for a boy. Life was about as good as it could get.
It was the afternoon of February 9th, when my world shattered before me. I went into the bathroom to discover I was bleeding. Not just a little but alot. I called my doctor and was told to come in right away. As Don and I rushed to my doctor's office, all I could do was shake and cry. Why was this happening? Please, please dear God let the baby be ok. I wanted the baby more than anything. I had waited so long. Please let my baby live. That is all I could think of. My doctor did an exam and then told me he wanted to do an ultrasound. As I lay on the cold ultrasound table, I was contemplating what to expect. I had never had an ultrasound before. When I had my oldest daughter they did not do routine ultrasounds and since my dates matched my growth and there were no problems I had no ultrasound. As the nurse turned on the machine, I could see the outline of my baby on the screen. I was so excited to see my baby that I said "look there she is". The nurse look at me and I could tell my excitement had been premature. She told me it was not good. She pointed to my baby and said "see here, there is no heart beat". It was all I could do to keep from breaking out sobbing. Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew I had lost my baby. I was scheduled for a D&C that evening as I did not want to wait to see if I would miscarry on my own. I also had my daughter's birthday party the next day and I knew I needed to be able to have her party. So I checked into the hospital for my D&C and then left for home late that night without my baby.
I thought I would be ok. Physically I was ok. I was told I could try to have another baby again. However, the loss was so profound and my sadness over the loss of my baby was overwhelming. Emotionally I was grief stricken. I tried to be strong but all I could do was think about the baby I lost. The baby I had wanted for so long. To make matters worse Don and I were fighting. He thought I should just be able to move on and forget. I could not forget my baby. NEVER! I knew that my baby was in heaven with my Nana and that she would watch over my baby for me. I found great comfort in knowing that Nana must have needed my baby more than I did. Don just became angrier. We were married as planned in February and even included the baby we lost in our ceremony. We tried to get back to normalcy after the wedding but things just continued to get worse. Finally, four months after our wedding Don looked at me and told me he had lied to me. He said "I never wanted a baby. I never have and never will. I am glad you lost it". I will never forget those words as long as I live. It was as if he took a knife and stabbed it through my heart. I was out of control with grief. I knew at that moment my marriage was over.
I had to save up and I moved out of Don's house on August 1st. My daughter and I got our own apartment. I filed for divorce and found out from my attorney that I had grounds for an annulment. So on September 7, 1995, I was granted an annulment based on the grounds that Don had misrepresented his intent to have a family. Don admitted in court that he lied and our marriage was annulled. Don could not believe that I would leave him over the fact that he lied but I knew we did not have a marriage if he could lie about something that important. I needed to be able to grieve my baby and to rebuild my life. During this time I found the following poem and had it mounted in memory of my baby.
Amber Rashelle Douglas Austin
January 3, 1995 ~ February 9, 1995
A Walk to Remember
by Kathie Mayo
I walk to remember the steps you'll never take
I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled
You were a love that grew ~
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon
which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe about
the world you soon would meet.
The sun always shone upon us then ~ when you
were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining ~
blue skies without a cloud.
The Autumn leaves turning ~ the snow
falling all around.
The flowers in the summer ~ would have
filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen would
have caused you great surprise.
You would have traveled far with me ~
holding me by the hand
And I'd have shown you all I could ~
more than I can imagine.
You hold my HEART tightly now,
as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one ~
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart,
as I firmly plant my feet.
As I read this poem, I am reminded of this blessing. That this baby was sent to be my guardian angel. Had I not lost this baby, I might have remained in a relationship that was not built on Love, Respect and Trust. That God blessed me with the opportunity to experience this joy and sorrow and to have learned that God had a better plan for me. I am thankful every day for my Guardian Angel and can't wait until the day we meet in heaven.....
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