It was in March 1998 when I got a phone call at work. I had recently completed all of my training to become a licensed Legal Risk foster parent for the State. A shelter worker called to inquire if I still had an opening in my home for a sibling group. Did I have an opening? You bet I did! There was a three year old little girl with her four month old brother who were in desparate need of a placement. They had been removed from their home in the middle of the night. I could not believe my own ears. I was actually being asked if I could possibly foster. This was my dream come true. What I had worked for and been waiting for. After a miscarriage, an annulment and thirteen unsuccessful artificial inseminations, I had embarked on my journey to foster and possibly adopt another child. I was on cloud nine. I could not wait to get off of work, pick up my daughter and drive to the shelter to get our new family members. I had new furniture and a crib. I did not have clothes as I wasn't for sure what gender or ages I might get. I borrowed some baby blankets from work and set out to get these angels in need.
It was a snowy night and very cold. As I drove up to the shelter, it was an unmarked home and you could not tell that it was anything other than a home. My daughter and I got out of the car and walked through the snow to the front door. We knocked and a nineteen year old girl answered. I introduced myself and explained why I was there. We were invited inside. Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was about to see. The shelter had about thirty children of various ages. There was a front room with rows of playpens with babies in them. There was a room in the back that had toddlers and preschoolers. Another room was full of school age children. I could not even hardly speak. All of these children had been removed from their homes. It was heart breaking. Something you hear about but don't really ever believe exists. We weren't in the shelter very long. I was presented with a three year old girl named Karen who was in a t-shirt, dirty pink sweatpants and two mismatched left footed snow boots. Her hair was a mess but she came right up to me. Next, another girl brought the baby to me. He was named Harry and was in a white cotton onesie and nothing else. There was no diaper bag or overnight bag. There were no clothes, no diapers, no blankets, no booties, no jackets or anything to protect them from the cold snowy weather outside. I was grateful I had borrowed the blankets from work. We wrapped them in blankets and took them to the car, strapped them in their carseats and started our journey home.
I was so excited and could not believe my good fortune. God had given me a chance to parent another child. Even if it was only temporary, I had a chance to try and make a difference for children in need. All the training in the world could not have prepared me for the next seventeen days. I made arrangements to take two weeks of Family Medical Leave from work so that I would have a chance to get my new angels settled in before returning to work. My daughter immediately bonded with Harry. I was surprised but pleased. She would spends hours holding and rocking Harry and and would even sing to him. It warmed my heart to see her give of herself so unselfishly. Karen was a different story. She was very active, out of control and did not understand at all about boundaries or limits. Karen's behavior was off the charts. She used language my daughter had never even heard. Karen could dance better than any stripper I had ever seen on TV. She was extremely inappropriate with toys and was overly fascinated with her baby brother's genitalia. I was saddened but knew that this little girl had been exposed to more in her three years than I had been exposed to in my forty one years. My daughter was shocked to hear what would come out of Karen's mouth. My daughter and I would try very hard to redirect Karen and to ignore her inappropriate comments. I didn''t correct Karen as I knew she was not in control of what she had been taught and did not want to make her feel bad. I was hopeful that we could slowly teach her more appropriate ways to talk and interact.
Karen seemed to have absolutely no boundaries when it came to people. Something I had not seen or experienced before and found very scary. She would go to anyone. She had no fear and did not seem to miss anyone or seem to really be bonded to anyone. Every evening I would sit on the floor in my living room and Karen would brush my hair and put barrets in it. By the time she was through, I would have twenty or more barrets of all colors and shapes in my hair. She seemed to really enjoy our time together and to be honest I did too. My daughter would sit and look at me like I was nuts. As much as I tried to bond with Karen, I found that she was very resisitant. I couldn't blame her. God only knows what she had beent through. She was very defiant, angry, out of control and extremely sexually inappropriate. This was a real eye opener for me as I had never really thought of three year olds as sexual. I caught Karen masturbating, putting Barbie in places I never knew Barbie could go and dancing in very provocative ways. In addition to all of the behavior, it became very apparent that Karen was not safe around other children. She would victimize them and I caught her trying to victimize her own baby brother. I quickly realized that even though my heart was in the right place, I did not have the training to really be able to help Karen. I was licensed for basic foster care and she needed a structured home. I also knew I had to return to work and I could not take Karen to daycare and jeopardize the other children there.
So, after seventeen days with Karen and Harry, I had to return them to a shelter. I had been blessed by so many people from work who had brought by boxes of clothes that their own children had outgrown. I packed up six boxes of clothes, shoes, snowboots, jackets and toys for Karen and Harry and loaded them in my car and drove them to the shelter. I cried all the way there. I was devastated. I wanted with all my heart to help these children yet I knew I couldn't. I had no idea that a child could be so damaged and abused in three short years. What kind of person does this kind of abuse to a young child? My daughter on the other hand was tired and ready for the drama to be gone. It was exhausting and emotionally draining, however anything in life worth doing is usually a challenge of some kind. My eyes had been opened to something I had heard of but had never experienced first hand.
We arrived at the shelter and my daughter and I brought Karen and Harry inside. Karen did not seem to understand what was happening even though I had tried to explain. My daughter and I went to the car and brought in all of the boxes of clothes and toys we had for them. When Karen saw the boxes, I think that is when she realized I would be leaving and that she was staying at the shelter. She grabbed my leg and started clinging to it and crying "No". I reached down and hugged her and told her she needed to stay here. My heart was broken. I had wanted to help so much and in the end I felt I had failed Karen and her brother. I also knew that logically they needed more help than I could give them as a single working parent. I told myself I had to be aware of my limitations and it was not fair to Karen and Harry to remain in a home that could not meet their needs.
So with a final hug, my daughter and I left and started our drive back home. As I started driving, I was sobbing. My daughter asked why I was crying. I just looked at her and said "who is ging to brush my hair and put barrets in it every night?" My daughter looked at me and told me I needed help. She was right, I did. I was so heart broken that I did not have what it would take to help Karen and Harry. This did not end the way I had dreamed. I wanted to help and make a difference and here I was returning them to a shelter. Life does not always give us easy choices. As bad as I wanted another child, I knew I could not help Karen and Harry long term. I did not have the training, resources and finances to give them what they needed. So I returned to work with a heavy heart. My heart was wiser and more capable to give love again if the opportunity should arise. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Karen and Harry. Karen would be seventeen years old today and Harry would be fourteen. I wonder how they are doing? Did they get the help they needed? Were they able to be reunited with their mother? Were they able to remain safe from physical and emtional harm? I will never know the answer to these questions. Karen and Harry will never know but I am grateful that they came into my life. They will forever have a place in my heart and I pray and hope that they are happy, healthy and thriving. I thank God every day for allowing me the opportunity to foster Karen and Harry and for my First Foster Blessings........
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