My Crown Burger Blessing

Life had moved on and I was getting over the loss of having to return my first two foster children to a shelter two months earlier.  It was a Monday evening and I was having dinner with my oldest daughter at Crown Burger, one of our favorite burger places.  The date was May 4, 1998.   My pager went off and I went to the pay phone to call the number displayed on my pager.  It was a DCFS shelter worker named Alice.  She was looking for a foster home for a newborn.  Alice asked me if I still had any openings.  I could not believe my ears.  Was she serious?  Did I have an opening!  I replied, "yes I have a whole nursery and no baby".   Alice went on to explain that the baby was a newborn.  The baby had been born six weeks early as the birth mom was an IV drug abuser and had used cocaine which caused the placenta to abrupt.  I was told the baby was positive for heroin and cocaine.  Alice was looking for a foster parent with medical background who could foster the baby for about 30 days as the birth mom was going into drug rehab.  I could not believe my ears.  I was being asked to foster a newborn.  In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would get this phone call.   Then Alice went on to say that the baby had been born at the University Hospital and was still in the hospital.  "Seriously", I replied.  "I am a respiratory therapist and I work at the University Hospital."  I let Alice know that I would love to foster this baby.  As we ended our phone call, Alice let me know that she would have to get all of the proper paperwork faxed to the hospital and then I could go see the baby.  I told her that would be great and I would be at work the next day.

As I hung up the phone, I started jumping up and down.  I had tears in my eyes and could not contain my excitement.  I ran back to the table where my daughter was and yelled  "We are getting a newborn baby."  I will find out more tomorrow.  I can't believe they want me to foster a newborn.  My daughter did not share in my enthusiasm.  She calmly looked up at me and said "is it a boy or girl?"   I was speechless for a second and then replied "I don't know, I didn't ask."  My daughter looked at me with that teenage look fourteen year olds can give their parents when they realize they know everything and their parents are total idiots.   I immediately ran back to the pay phone to call Alice back.  I told her I forgot to ask if the baby was a boy or a girl.  Alice told me the baby was a boy.  A boy!  The baby was a boy!!!  I hung up and ran back to the table and announced to my daughter that the baby was a boy.   She still did not share in my enthusiasm and went on to finish her burger and fries.

My Crown Burger Blessing

I could hardly sleep that night.  All I could think about was the baby.  How small was he? What did he look like?  Was he ok?  The next day I went to work in the Newborn Intensive Care Unit.  I was so nervous I could not contain my excitement.  I had told several of my coworkers that I was going to get to foster a newborn.  It was around noon that day when I got a call that all of the proper paperwork had been faxed and I could go to the newborn nursery and see the baby.   I got my friend Jeanette, who was a nurse I worked with to go with me.  We went into one of the side rooms in the nursery and there he was in an incubator.  He looked so small.  He had reddish blond hair.  I had a camera and we took a couple of pictures.  I was able to do my first feeding with the baby.  He was less than five pounds and smaller than the average newborn.  It was so exciting.  I could not believe that God had allowed me this opportunity to be able to share my life with this baby.  

My first feeding with Bubba Doo

As I did that first feeding with this new little life, I felt a tremendous sense of joy and happiness.  I was so grateful that I could help.  I was grateful that I had followed my intuition to foster another child.  I was grateful that I had not given up when all the odds were against me.  I felt like the luckiest mother in the world to be given this most wonderful opportunity.  I knew in my heart that I was doing the right thing.  That I was doing what God had intended for me to do.  I was then and am now forever grateful for my Crown Burger blessing.......       

I didn't know it then but this is my oldest son as a newborn.

My First Foster Blessings

It was in March 1998 when I got a phone call at work.  I had recently completed all of my training to become a licensed Legal Risk foster parent for the State.  A shelter worker called to inquire if I still had an opening in my home for a sibling group.  Did I have an opening?  You bet I did!  There was a three year old little girl with her four month old brother who were in desparate need of a placement.  They had been removed from their home in the middle of the night.  I could not believe my own ears.  I was actually being asked if I could possibly foster.  This was my dream come true.  What I had worked for and been waiting for.  After a miscarriage, an annulment and thirteen unsuccessful artificial inseminations, I had embarked on my journey to foster and possibly adopt another child.   I was on cloud nine.  I could not wait to get off of work, pick up my daughter and drive to the shelter to get our new family members.  I had new furniture and a crib.  I did not have clothes as I wasn't for sure what gender or ages I might get.  I borrowed some baby blankets from work and set out to get these angels in need. 

It was a snowy night and very cold.  As I drove up to the shelter, it was an unmarked home and you could not tell that it was anything other than a home.  My daughter and I got out of the car and walked through the snow to the front door.  We knocked and a nineteen year old girl answered.  I introduced myself and explained why I was there.  We were invited inside.  Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I was about to see.  The shelter had about thirty children of various ages.  There was a front room with rows of playpens with babies in them.  There was a room in the back that had toddlers and preschoolers.  Another room was full of school age children.  I could not even hardly speak.  All of these children had been removed from their homes.  It was heart breaking.  Something you hear about but don't really ever believe exists.  We weren't in the shelter very long.  I was presented with a three year old girl named Karen who was in a t-shirt, dirty pink sweatpants and two mismatched left footed snow boots.  Her hair was a mess but she came right up to me.  Next, another girl brought the baby to me.  He was named Harry and was in a white cotton onesie and nothing else.  There was no diaper bag or overnight bag.  There were no clothes, no diapers, no blankets, no booties, no jackets or anything to protect them from the cold snowy weather outside.  I was grateful I had borrowed the blankets from work.  We wrapped them in blankets and took them to the car, strapped them in their carseats and started our journey home.

I was so excited and could not believe my good fortune.  God had given me a chance to parent another child.  Even if it was only temporary, I had a chance to try and make a difference for children in need.   All the training in the world could not have prepared me for the next seventeen days.  I made arrangements to take two weeks of Family Medical Leave from work so that I would have a chance to get my new angels settled in before returning to work.  My daughter immediately bonded with Harry.  I was surprised but pleased.  She would spends hours holding and rocking Harry and and would even sing to him.  It warmed my heart to see her give of herself so unselfishly.  Karen was a different story.  She was very active, out of control and did not understand at all about boundaries or limits.  Karen's behavior was off the charts.  She used language my daughter had never even heard.  Karen could dance better than any stripper I had ever seen on TV.  She was extremely inappropriate with toys and was overly fascinated with her baby brother's genitalia.  I was saddened but knew that this little girl had been exposed to more in her three years than I had been exposed to in my forty one years.   My daughter was shocked to hear what would come out of  Karen's mouth.   My daughter and I would try very hard to redirect Karen and to ignore her inappropriate comments.   I didn''t correct Karen as I knew she was not in control of what she had been taught and did not want to make her feel bad.  I was hopeful that we could slowly teach her more appropriate ways to talk and interact. 

Karen seemed to have absolutely no boundaries when it came to people.  Something I had not seen or experienced before and found very scary.  She would go to anyone.  She had no fear and did not seem to miss anyone or seem to really be bonded to anyone.  Every evening I would sit on the floor in my living room and Karen would brush my hair and put barrets in it.  By the time she was through, I would have twenty or more barrets of all colors and shapes in my hair.  She seemed to really enjoy our time together and to be honest I did too.  My daughter would sit and look at me like I was nuts.  As much as I tried to bond with Karen, I found that she was very resisitant.  I couldn't blame her.  God only knows what she had beent through.  She was very defiant, angry, out of control and extremely sexually inappropriate.  This was a real eye opener for me as I had never really thought of three year olds as sexual.  I caught Karen masturbating, putting Barbie in places I never knew Barbie could go and dancing in very provocative ways.  In addition to all of the behavior, it became very apparent that Karen was not safe around other children.  She would victimize them and I caught her trying to victimize her own baby brother.  I quickly realized that even though my heart was in the right place, I did not have the training to really be able to help Karen.  I was licensed for basic foster care and she needed a structured home.  I also knew I had to return to work and I could not take Karen to daycare and jeopardize the other children there.   

So, after seventeen days with Karen and Harry, I had to return them to a shelter.  I had been blessed by so many people from work who had brought by boxes of clothes that their own children had outgrown.  I packed up six boxes of clothes, shoes, snowboots, jackets and toys for Karen and Harry and loaded them in my car and drove them to the shelter.  I cried all the way there.  I was devastated.  I wanted with all my heart to help these children yet I knew I couldn't.  I had no idea that a child could be so damaged and abused in three short years.  What kind of person does this kind of abuse to a young child?  My daughter on the other hand was tired and ready for the drama to be gone.  It was exhausting and emotionally draining, however anything in life worth doing is usually a challenge of some kind.  My eyes had been opened to something I had heard of but had never experienced first hand.

We arrived at the shelter and my daughter and I brought Karen and Harry inside.  Karen did not seem to understand what was happening even though I had tried to explain.  My daughter and I went to the car and brought in all of the boxes of clothes and toys we had for them.  When Karen saw the boxes, I think that is when she realized I would be leaving and that she was staying at the shelter.  She grabbed my leg and started clinging to it and crying "No".  I reached down and hugged her and told her she needed to stay here.  My heart was broken.  I had wanted to help so much and in the end I felt I had failed Karen and her brother.  I also knew that logically they needed more help than I could give them as a single working parent.  I told myself I had to be aware of my limitations and it was not fair to Karen and Harry to remain in a home that could not meet their needs. 

So with a final hug, my daughter and I left and started our drive back home.  As I started driving, I was sobbing.  My daughter asked why I was crying.  I just looked at her and said "who is ging to brush my hair and put barrets in it every night?"   My daughter looked at me and told me I needed help.  She was right, I did.  I was so heart broken that I did not have what it would take to help Karen and Harry.  This did not end the way I had dreamed.  I wanted to help and make a difference and here I was returning them to a shelter.  Life does not always give us easy choices.  As bad as I wanted another child, I knew I could not help Karen and Harry long term.  I did not have the training, resources and finances to give them what they needed.  So I returned to work with a heavy heart.  My heart was wiser and more capable to give love again if the opportunity should arise.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of Karen and Harry.  Karen would be seventeen years old today and Harry would be fourteen.  I wonder how they are doing?  Did they get the help they needed?  Were they able to be reunited with their mother?  Were they able to remain safe from physical and emtional harm?  I will never know the answer to these questions.   Karen and Harry will never know but I am grateful that they came into my life.  They will forever have a place in my heart and I pray and hope that they are happy, healthy and thriving.   I thank God every day for allowing me the opportunity to foster Karen and Harry and for my First Foster Blessings........     

My Guardian Angel Blessing

I had always dreamed of a second child.  My heart yearned for another baby but with a divorce in my past I was not sure I would ever even have the opportunity to have another pregnancy.  No one can even imagine my delight and excitement when I learned on January 3, 1995, that I was indeed pregnant.  I was 37 years old and about to be married.  I was so hopeful that this would be the marriage that would last.  That I had truly found my soul mate.  The partner who would be by my side through all of life's trials and tribulations.  His name was Don and he knew from when we first met that I was wanting to remarry and hopefully, God willing have another baby.  Don and I had been dating for two years and we had our share of troubles but I felt we had worked through so much and had come such a long way.  I was so excited and thought that finally I would have the family I had always yearned for. 

We were planning our wedding at a quaint chapel in Lake Tahoe in February.  I had been to my obstetrician and confirmed my pregnancy.  I had such a perfect pregnancy with my oldest daughter and did not even have one day of morning sickness.  I felt great.  I was soooo happy.  I started planning for my new arrival.  I couldn't help but start thinking of names.  We decided on Amber Rashelle for a girl and Douglas Austin for a boy.  Life was about as good as it could get. 

It was the afternoon of  February 9th, when my world shattered before me.  I went into the bathroom to discover I was bleeding.  Not just a little but alot.  I called my doctor and was told to come in right away.  As Don and I rushed to my doctor's office, all I could do was shake and cry.  Why was this happening?  Please, please dear God let the baby be ok.  I wanted the baby more than anything.  I had waited so long.  Please let my baby live.  That is all I could think of.  My doctor did an exam and then told me he wanted to do an ultrasound.  As I lay on the cold ultrasound table, I was contemplating what to expect.  I had never had an ultrasound before.  When I had my oldest daughter they did not do routine ultrasounds and since my dates matched my growth and there were no problems I had no  ultrasound.  As the nurse turned on the machine, I could see the outline of my baby on the screen.  I was so excited to see my baby that I said "look there she is".  The nurse look at me and I could tell my excitement had been premature.  She told me it was not good.  She pointed to my baby and said "see here, there is no heart beat".  It was all I could do to keep from breaking out sobbing.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew I had lost my baby.  I was scheduled for a D&C that evening as I did not want to wait to see if I would miscarry on my own.  I also had my daughter's birthday party the next day and I knew I needed to be able to have her party.    So I checked into the hospital for my D&C and then left for home late that night without my baby.

I thought I would be ok.  Physically I was ok.  I was told I could try to have another baby again.  However, the loss was so profound and my sadness over the loss of my baby was overwhelming.  Emotionally I was grief stricken.  I tried to be strong but all I could do was think about the baby I lost.  The baby I had wanted for so long.  To make matters worse Don and I were fighting.  He thought I should just be able to move on and forget.  I could not forget my baby.  NEVER!  I knew that my baby was in heaven with my Nana and that she would watch over my baby for me.  I found great comfort in knowing that Nana must have needed my baby more than I did.  Don just became angrier.  We were married as planned in February and even included the baby we lost in our ceremony.   We tried to get back to normalcy after the wedding but things just continued to get worse.  Finally, four months after our wedding Don looked  at me and told me he had lied to me.  He said "I never wanted a baby.  I never have and never will.  I am glad you lost it".  I will  never forget those words as long as I live.  It was as if he took a knife and stabbed it through my heart.  I was out of control with grief.  I knew at that moment my marriage was over. 

I had to save up and I moved out of Don's house on August 1st.  My daughter and I got our own apartment.  I filed for divorce and found out from my attorney that I had grounds for an annulment.  So on September 7, 1995, I was granted an annulment based on the grounds that Don had misrepresented his intent to have a family.  Don admitted in court that he lied and our marriage was annulled.   Don could not believe that I would leave him over the fact that he lied but I knew we did not have a marriage if he could lie about something that important.  I needed to be able to grieve my baby and to rebuild my life.  During this time I found the following poem and had it mounted in memory of my baby.

             Amber Rashelle                  Douglas Austin
            January 3, 1995   ~   February 9, 1995

                                      A Walk to Remember 
                                         by Kathie Mayo

    I walk to remember the steps you'll never take
    I carry you with me as I firmly plant my feet.

    Our trek started long ago, before my belly swelled
    You were a love that grew ~
       like butterfly wings that beat.

    Your gentle flutters then became kicks upon
       which I would dwell.
    And I would talk to you, sweet babe about
       the world you soon would meet.

    The sun always shone upon us then ~ when you
       were in my womb.
    And I was eager to show you the world
       that would have been your home.
    How you'd have loved the sun shining ~
       blue skies without a cloud.
    The Autumn leaves turning ~ the snow
       falling all around.
    The flowers in the summer ~ would have
       filled your eyes with smiles.
    And the rain that might have fallen would
       have caused you great surprise.

    You would have traveled far with me ~
       holding me by the hand
    And I'd have shown you all I could ~
       more than I can imagine.

    You hold my HEART tightly now,
       as though we're holding hands.
    How far we've traveled, little one ~
       and my life with you has been sweet.
    For I carry you in my heart, 
       as I firmly plant my feet.  


As I read this poem, I am reminded of this blessing.  That this baby was sent to be my guardian angel.  Had I not lost this baby, I might have remained in a relationship that was not built on Love, Respect and Trust. That God blessed me with the opportunity to experience this joy and sorrow and to have learned that God had a better plan for me.  I am thankful every day for my Guardian Angel and can't wait until the day we meet in heaven.....               

                        

My God-Fatherly Blessing

I want to write about the man who has had the greatest influence in my life and who I treasure with all my heart.  That man is my God-Father, Uncle Anthony.  I feel it is appropriate to write about him in this blog as my mother chose him to be my God-Father.   I am not for sure if my Mom chose him because he was family and they were close or if she really felt he would be the best God-Father.  What I do know is that she could not have made a better choice.  He has been with me since the day I was born.  At that time I doubt he had any idea what kind of influence he would have in my life.  What I can tell you is that he has provided me with unconditional love, acceptance and guidance for 55 years.

My Baptism 1957

As a child, I just knew he was my God-Father and initially had no idea of the impact he would have on my life.  Uncle Anthony lived in New Jersey and when I was six my family moved to Texas.  Even though we were separated by hundreds of miles, Uncle Anthony always let me know I was important and he always remembered me on my birthdays and holidays.  It wasn't what he said so much as what he did that let me know he cared about me as a person.   He took me on trips and spent vacations with me.

New York City 1969

As I got older, he always lent an ear when I needed to talk.  He was there for me during my turbulent teen years when my parents divorced and my sisters were rebelling.   Those were not happy years and it did show by my lack of a smile.  Regardless, Uncle Anthony knew that deep down I was excited and he shared in my excitement when I made the high school drill team.  



1974 Alief Hastings Golden Brigade

Uncle Anthony also shared in family gatherings and holidays where there would be an abundance of Italian food and family.  I was the oldest and with my parent's divorce I often times felt like I was not seen or heard.  I always knew that when Uncle Anthony was around I would get to feel extra special because he would make sure that he was seated next to me at family gatherings.  These are memories that I cherish to this day.


Big Italian Dinner 1975

 At the ripe old age of ninteen, I decided get married.  I really had no business getting married at such a young age and I had plenty of family advising me against marriage.  Uncle Anthony in his wisdom never said anything negative.  He let me know that he loved me and he was there to share in my special day.

My Wedding August 14, 1976

As predicted by most of my family members, my first marriage only lasted a year.   Uncle Anthony never said "I told you so".  Instead he continued to be there for me and listen to me and share in my life.  He continued to be there for special family occasions.

September 18, 1982

I did remarry in 1982 and gave birth to my daughter in 1984.  Uncle Anthony could not be in Texas for my daughter's birth but he spent hours with me on the phone during my labor.  He proudly accepted when I asked him to be my daughter's God-Father.  I knew I could count on him and as promised he was in Texas for her baptism.

April's Baptism 1984

By the 1990's, he had stood by me through two divorces and my journey into being a single mother.  During this time, I had returned to school to become a Respiratory Therapist.  By 1995, I had another failed marriage and had suffered a miscarriage.  I could always count on Uncle Anthony to lend an ear and listen.  In 1997, my daughter April and I took a trip to New Jersey to visit Uncle Anthony and Larry. 



New Jersey Beach in 1997



NY Boat Ride 1997



                  



Lady Liberty 1997



I continued my quest to be a Mom.  I signed up to do foster care so I could try to adopt as a single Mom.  I am sure Uncle Anthony had his opinions about my decision but he continued to listen and be there for me.   He offered support and sent me medals of catholic saints and holy water for my oldest son when he was born.  He has continued to share in my life and we have even continued to spend our birthdays together.  I could not make his 76th Birthday in February 2011 in New Jersey but I was able to celebrate with him that following June in Florida.

Florida in June 2011- I brought Uncle Anthony's birthday cake from Utah! 

Dinner in St. Petersberg, Florida

This year was an especially rough year for me as I lost my two youngest children.  Grieving that loss which occurred in the same month as my birthday, I asked Uncle Anthony if he would come and spend my 55th birthday with me in Utah.  To my surprise he said "Yes" and flew to Utah to be with me.  I had the whole weekend with my God-Father and he even threw me a surprise birthday party at the Snake Creek Grill in Heber City, Utah.  The restaurant was closed but with the help of my friend Dee, Uncle Anthony got the owner to open just for my party.  It was so special to have that weekend with my God-Father.

Snake Creek Grill - April 28, 2012

I have always known that I could count on Uncle Anthony.  He continues to be there for me everyday.  I talk to him daily, sometimes several times a day.  We sing crazy silly songs to each other and love to share funny stories.  I know that GOD has truly blessed me with this very special relationship.  I can only hope and pray that Uncle Anthony and I have another 55 years of wonderful, fantastic memories we can share.  I LOVE you Uncle Anthony and I thank God every day for my God-Fatherly Blessing...... 

The Eating Establishment Park City, Utah April 2012

My First Perfect Blessing

My first perfect blessing happened before I could even grasp what I was about to enter.  I remember my excitement like it was yesterday.  The preganancy test I bought at the local drug store, unsure that I would even be able to follow the directions due to my nervousness.  That was 29 years ago and the tests weren't as easy as the home pregnancy tests today.  I remember feeling like it was Christmas morning while I waited in anticipation to read the result.  Wow!  It was a positive.  I was going to be a Mom.  There was a new life inside of me.  This was the happiest I have ever been.  I could not believe that I was really going to be a Mom.  I was elated and really glad that I had nine months to prepare.  I had so much to learn and do to get ready for my new arrival.  Life was the best.  I knew my life could not get any better.  I was happily married to my soulmate and we were expecting our first child.

I immediately made my first obstetritian appointment.  I also found out about a local La Leche league meeting.  I wanted to do everything I could to insure that my baby would be healthy.  I also knew I wanted to breastfeed.  I did not have to think about it.  I knew it was what was best for the baby, so I set out to learn all I could.  I read every book I could get my hands on regarding pregnancy and birth.  I had always loved babies and had wanted to be a Mom since I was four years old.  I was the ripe old age of twenty six and for my family I was an older Mom.  My mother, grandmother and aunts had all been teenage mothers.  I have two younger sisters and neither of them were mothers.  I wanted to be the BEST Mom I could be.  I knew there was a little life that was depending on me.  I had to be the PERFECT Mom for my little baby.

The first thing I learned on this journey was that no amount of preparing had really prepared me at all.  Labor for me started unexpectedly as my water broke.  In a panic, I called my doctor's office and was told to get to the hospital.  The hospital was a good thirty minutes away and my husband was an hour away.  So I grabbed a towel, my suitcase and drove myself to the hospital sitting on that towel the whole way.  The only experience I had with childbirth was scenes from movies or TV shows.  My husband and I hadn't even finished our Lamaze classes.  So as I drove on I-610, I imagined I would be screaming, my guts ripping out and I would have to pull over and deliver on the freeway.  My anxiety was high but I told myself my baby was counting on me and I had to get to that hospital.  I remember singing to the radio to try and calm myself.  Everytime I would take a breath, I could feel more water leaking.  OMG, how much water could there be?  I felt like I had been swimming in Galveston and was now riding home in my wet bathing suit only I hadn't been to Galveston and I was not wearing a bathing suit.   Was it possible for the baby to slide out while I was driving?  Could I be one of those woman who coughed and the baby was out?  Please dear God don't let the baby come out while I am driving!!

After thirty nerve wracking minutes, I arrived at the hospital.  Initially I was so relieved.  I had done it.  My baby was counting on me and I had driven us both to the hospital safe and sound.  As soon as I got out of the car, I realized that my water continued to leak with each step I took.  This could not be.  I had made it this far.  Seriously...... I had a soaked towel, wet pants and now water running down into my shoes.  With tears in my eyes and my hands shaking from nerves, I took a deep breath and started my journey to Labor and Delivery.  The more I walked, the more my water leaked and with every step I took my shoes were squeaking from the water.  How could my shoes be so loud?  All I wanted to do was get to L&D as discreetly as I could and I was positive that the whole hopsital could hear me coming down the hall.  I told myself this did not matter and what mattered was getting to L&D.   So I did what any scared, first time Mom would do.  I broke out crying as I squeaked all the way down the hall to L&D.

My baby was born four weeks early, after 24 hours of labor.  So much for my PERFECT idea of childbirth.  I had not even imagined that I would deliver my baby early.  Everyone had told me first babies are late.  Not my baby.  I think we were both really excited to see each other.  My pregnancy was Perfect and I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.  To get to see my little miracle four weeks early was ok with me.  I was worried at first wondering if the baby would be ok.   Would the baby be able to breathe and not need extra help?  Once my baby was delivered and I knew everything was ok, I could relax and enjoy my new journey into motherhood.

I will never forget the first time I saw my daughter.  She was small, crying and had a full head of black hair.  She was beautiful.  She was PERFECT.  I had done it.  I had made it through my preganancy, drove myself to the hospital in labor and did what I needed to do so that my daughter could have a PERFECT start in life.  As the nurse placed my daughter in my arms for the first time, I cried again.  This time my tears were tears of joy.  Tears of wonderment and overwhelming emotion.  God had blessed me with the most PERFECT blessing of all, my daughter April......