Will The Trauma End?

I was in my car sitting with my oldest son at the McDonald's drive through and as I looked in my rear view mirror I noticed the woman in the car behind me. She had a familiar look. He blond hair was pulled up and she had a young blond haired boy in the car with her. She was digging through her purse and I realized who she was. She was Julie, my youngest son's foster mother. About the time I realized who she was, my oldest son looked back to see who or what I was looking at. He looked at me and I said "That is Bugga Boo's foster Mom." He said "you are right Mom." As I sat there thinking about the irony of seeing her again, my son said "She is the person that some people hate ." I replied, "we don't hate her. I actually feel sad because she doesn't know all the facts."

I pulled away from McDonald's and realized it totally was Julie. She was in the same black mini van that I had seen her by when I saw Bugga Boo at Walmart in October. I couldn't help but remember the last time I saw Julie at the grocery store in Heber when she shooed me away from her and Bugga Boo. A part of me felt hurt that she judges me so harshly. I wanted to tell her I would never hurt my son. I love my son and tried to do everything I could to help him. I am a mother who has a child whose needs were greater than what I could provide for. I turned to DCFS and the State because they were my last resort and I thought they were going to help me get the services my son needed. I did not know initially that DCFS would blame me and be so hostile. I had made the mistake of trusting a system that was not trustworthy. I also realize that Julie sees me as a failure as a Mom for relinquishing my parental rights. I feel she has judged me unfairly and without having all of the facts.

As I drive down the road, I comment to my oldest son that hopefully one day this will all make sense. Maybe one day Julie will look back on all of this with a different heart. It is too hard to explain what it is like to live with a child you are afraid of. A child who shows no remorse and no empathy. To look at your son and know in your heart that you love him but that a part of you does not trust him. To miss him everyday but know you could not help him.

I realize I can't explain to Julie what I am still trying to make sense out of. I was being abused by the system I had trusted. A system that had failed me and my family. A system I could no longer trust. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realize how much pain I feel seeing Bugga Boo's foster mom and how much trauma is still buried just underneath the surface. As I look out the car window at the snow covered mountains, I feel a heaviness in my heart and wonder if my children and I will ever heal from the Trauma placed on us by a child welfare system that does not understand attachment disorders and how they affect the whole family. I wonder how long the trauma and grief will weigh heavy on my heart.....