I have been feeling really down and trying to make sense out of my life. How can I make sense out of relinquishing my parental rights. I know things happen for a reason and I do trust that God has a purpose for all that happens. However at times it feels overwhelming and like I just can't make sense out of any of it. Then in one of my lowest moments when I find myself doubting what I know to be true in my heart I got an email from a friend.
My friend Jenny wrote "You didn't give your children up, you put them where they would best survive. You knew this world was not going to help them and would eventually eat them alive. If somebody else wants to step forward to the same lesson that you learned then it will be for their good. I believe that you have learned to love in ways that others will never be able to understand. You still love under some of the harshest of circumstances. I believe your two difficult children are teachers, not learners. I believe they came to live the lives they are living for a reason. I believe they have been placed where they are placed to teach those who need their lessons. The final test will be death; when we have to give total control back to God as we allow him to take that last breath from us. Take care of yourself and keep marching forward to help others, because dear sweet lady, that is what you were created for."
That same day after I read this email, my friend Emily commented to me that she was so grateful I was in her life. It is funny how just when we think our lives don't matter or that we can't figure out what our purpose is, God makes sure to put someone in our lives to remind us.
To both of my friends, Jenny and Emily, you both will never know how much your kind words mean to me. Just when I was struggling with defeat you both were there to remind me that I do matter and that I do have a purpose. I can never begin to Thank You both. I know in time, this will make sense and the loss of my children will be for a greater purpose.
You are both true friends and I am forever grateful for your friendship and that our lives have crossed. I know that you both understand my struggles as a parent. I am grateful to God for the journey I am on and for allowing me to meet you both. I just hope that someday I can do for you what you both have done for me. You gave me the strength to look deep into myself and to know that I can trust God.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Will The Trauma End?
I was in my car sitting with my oldest son at the McDonald's drive through and as I looked in my rear view mirror I noticed the woman in the car behind me. She had a familiar look. He blond hair was pulled up and she had a young blond haired boy in the car with her. She was digging through her purse and I realized who she was. She was Julie, my youngest son's foster mother. About the time I realized who she was, my oldest son looked back to see who or what I was looking at. He looked at me and I said "That is Bugga Boo's foster Mom." He said "you are right Mom." As I sat there thinking about the irony of seeing her again, my son said "She is the person that some people hate ." I replied, "we don't hate her. I actually feel sad because she doesn't know all the facts."
I pulled away from McDonald's and realized it totally was Julie. She was in the same black mini van that I had seen her by when I saw Bugga Boo at Walmart in October. I couldn't help but remember the last time I saw Julie at the grocery store in Heber when she shooed me away from her and Bugga Boo. A part of me felt hurt that she judges me so harshly. I wanted to tell her I would never hurt my son. I love my son and tried to do everything I could to help him. I am a mother who has a child whose needs were greater than what I could provide for. I turned to DCFS and the State because they were my last resort and I thought they were going to help me get the services my son needed. I did not know initially that DCFS would blame me and be so hostile. I had made the mistake of trusting a system that was not trustworthy. I also realize that Julie sees me as a failure as a Mom for relinquishing my parental rights. I feel she has judged me unfairly and without having all of the facts.
As I drive down the road, I comment to my oldest son that hopefully one day this will all make sense. Maybe one day Julie will look back on all of this with a different heart. It is too hard to explain what it is like to live with a child you are afraid of. A child who shows no remorse and no empathy. To look at your son and know in your heart that you love him but that a part of you does not trust him. To miss him everyday but know you could not help him.
I realize I can't explain to Julie what I am still trying to make sense out of. I was being abused by the system I had trusted. A system that had failed me and my family. A system I could no longer trust. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realize how much pain I feel seeing Bugga Boo's foster mom and how much trauma is still buried just underneath the surface. As I look out the car window at the snow covered mountains, I feel a heaviness in my heart and wonder if my children and I will ever heal from the Trauma placed on us by a child welfare system that does not understand attachment disorders and how they affect the whole family. I wonder how long the trauma and grief will weigh heavy on my heart.....
I pulled away from McDonald's and realized it totally was Julie. She was in the same black mini van that I had seen her by when I saw Bugga Boo at Walmart in October. I couldn't help but remember the last time I saw Julie at the grocery store in Heber when she shooed me away from her and Bugga Boo. A part of me felt hurt that she judges me so harshly. I wanted to tell her I would never hurt my son. I love my son and tried to do everything I could to help him. I am a mother who has a child whose needs were greater than what I could provide for. I turned to DCFS and the State because they were my last resort and I thought they were going to help me get the services my son needed. I did not know initially that DCFS would blame me and be so hostile. I had made the mistake of trusting a system that was not trustworthy. I also realize that Julie sees me as a failure as a Mom for relinquishing my parental rights. I feel she has judged me unfairly and without having all of the facts.
As I drive down the road, I comment to my oldest son that hopefully one day this will all make sense. Maybe one day Julie will look back on all of this with a different heart. It is too hard to explain what it is like to live with a child you are afraid of. A child who shows no remorse and no empathy. To look at your son and know in your heart that you love him but that a part of you does not trust him. To miss him everyday but know you could not help him.
I realize I can't explain to Julie what I am still trying to make sense out of. I was being abused by the system I had trusted. A system that had failed me and my family. A system I could no longer trust. As tears welled up in my eyes, I realize how much pain I feel seeing Bugga Boo's foster mom and how much trauma is still buried just underneath the surface. As I look out the car window at the snow covered mountains, I feel a heaviness in my heart and wonder if my children and I will ever heal from the Trauma placed on us by a child welfare system that does not understand attachment disorders and how they affect the whole family. I wonder how long the trauma and grief will weigh heavy on my heart.....
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A Letter To My Oldest Daughter
It has been several months now that I have been trying to sit down and write this. My oldest daughter asked me a few months ago if I would sit down and write her a letter. She wanted to know how I see her as a person. What kind of person do I think she is? What does she value? What are her goals? What are her struggles and insecurities? I have had months to think about this and at the same time did not want to write until I felt I was in a better place emotionally because of all the trauma I had been through with my other children. As we begin a new year, I thought this would be the appropriate time to write that long overdue letter.
Dear April,
I am going to start at the beginning when I first learned that I was pregnant. I was so filled with joy, excitement and wonderment to learn that I would have a baby in a few short months. Since I was four years old, I had dreamed of being a Mom and now with God's blessing my dream was coming true. It wasn't until the day you were born that I found out I had been blessed with a daughter. You are what I refer to as my First Motherly Blessing. I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on you. You were small, beautiful with lots of dark hair and long delicate fingers that wrapped right around my finger. I knew from that first moment that I had laid my eyes on one of the best people I could ever share my life with. You were very quiet, awake, observant and alert. You seemed to be analyzing your new surroundings. The first time the nurse brought you to me she said "Mrs. Adkins, your baby is so smart. Look how alert she is. That is a sign that she is very smart." I just smiled in amazement. God had trusted me with this wonderful new miracle.
As a young toddler, you were very inquisitive. You seemed to always be observing what was around you. Constantly full of questions, that I was only to happy to answer. It must not have been easy for you as your Dad and I divorced when you were only a year old. Instead, of the comfort of one home you had to learn to adapt to two homes and two sets of rules and parenting styles. You always had a way of looking at things and trying to make sense out of them in your own special way. Like when you were three and asked our neighbors why their Dad lived with them and didn't have his own apartment? I am not for sure how many three year olds would have been that observant, but you were.
Fiercly independent you were and are. You were content to play by yourself and loved barbies and your barbie town home. You did not have trouble making friends and played very well with your friends. I don't ever remember a time that you would not share when you were playing with another child. You loved animals and especially our cats. They were like live baby dolls and you would dress them in doll clothes and pushed them around in your baby stroller. You were always very caring and gentle with them and very nurturing. You seemed to have a very special connection to them and them with you, which I still see to this day with your own pets. There is a kindness in your soul that is felt by animals and everyone who comes in contact with you. That kindness is a true gift from God that is not given to everyone.
You have a creative side that you love. It has always been fun to watch you create and to see the joy that it brings you. Whether it was an art project for school, a poem for your Papaw, a song you would write or your teaching blog that you are dedicated to today. Your creativity is your joy and another blessing that God has bestowed upon you.
You have learned to never just settle for status quo. You realize that the world has many options for you. When accounting turned out to not be your calling, you went back to school so you could teach. You are not afraid to try new experiences. Matter of fact, you tend to jump in with both feet and move forward. You look at options, analyze a situation and try to decide what your next step will be. I am so proud of you for that. Some people never learn in a lifetime that they are in control of their own destiny. You have learned that lesson and are living it every day. You put your trust in God and your faith in your ability to know yourself and what will be best for you. Then you put your fear aside and do what needs to be done.
One of the biggest lessons you have learned is about relationships. You learned the importance of having a mate that was a friend first. To have a mate that has similar values and belief system. You have learned how to know that your strength is from being able to find that person you can lean on and count on. That you have someone in your life you can trust and who trusts you. Someone who as you grow together makes you a better person and that together as a couple you grow closer. A lesson that you are living everyday with nine years of marriage to your high school sweetheart.
As a young woman, you are strong, smart and confident. If you don't know the answer to something, you will go and seek the knowledge you are looking for. You know your boundaries and won't let them be crossed unless you want them crossed. You realize that knowledge and growth continue as long as we are alive. I know that you will always looks to grow as a person. It is just who you are.
Do you have struggles? Yes, but so do we all. You strive to want to have balance in your life. That is a good thing. You have learned at a very early age the importance of making time for everything important to you and that we only have one life to live. You want your life to mean something and to have purpose. It is because you care. If you didn't care, then it would not matter. You have learned in your short life that what you do with your life does matter. It matters to you and especially to those you love. You fear that is a weakness but I realize that is one of your strengths. This will be one of your blessings.
So as I look at you today, I can still see that tiny baby with a head full of black hair. I see that baby and child that God trusted me with. I see the beautiful young woman you have become and my heart swells with pride. I know that as a parent I did so many things wrong, but when I see your life today I realize that I also did some things right. Please know that I will always LOVE you. I want you to be happy, healthy and loved. If you need a hug or an ear, I will always be there for you. I want you to know that even in your darkest, scariest, loneliest place in life, I will always be there by your side.
You are my First Motherly Blessing from God and I am so grateful that he chose me to be your mother.....
Love,
Mom
Below is a song I made up and would sing to my daughter when she was a baby. This song can still put a smile on my face to this day as I remember holding and rocking her as I sang it.
My Song to my Oldest Daughter
I love you my Stinker Poo
I love you oh yes I do
I love you my Stinker Poo
I love you do you love me too
 |
| 4 weeks old |
Dear April,
I am going to start at the beginning when I first learned that I was pregnant. I was so filled with joy, excitement and wonderment to learn that I would have a baby in a few short months. Since I was four years old, I had dreamed of being a Mom and now with God's blessing my dream was coming true. It wasn't until the day you were born that I found out I had been blessed with a daughter. You are what I refer to as my First Motherly Blessing. I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on you. You were small, beautiful with lots of dark hair and long delicate fingers that wrapped right around my finger. I knew from that first moment that I had laid my eyes on one of the best people I could ever share my life with. You were very quiet, awake, observant and alert. You seemed to be analyzing your new surroundings. The first time the nurse brought you to me she said "Mrs. Adkins, your baby is so smart. Look how alert she is. That is a sign that she is very smart." I just smiled in amazement. God had trusted me with this wonderful new miracle.
As a young toddler, you were very inquisitive. You seemed to always be observing what was around you. Constantly full of questions, that I was only to happy to answer. It must not have been easy for you as your Dad and I divorced when you were only a year old. Instead, of the comfort of one home you had to learn to adapt to two homes and two sets of rules and parenting styles. You always had a way of looking at things and trying to make sense out of them in your own special way. Like when you were three and asked our neighbors why their Dad lived with them and didn't have his own apartment? I am not for sure how many three year olds would have been that observant, but you were.
Fiercly independent you were and are. You were content to play by yourself and loved barbies and your barbie town home. You did not have trouble making friends and played very well with your friends. I don't ever remember a time that you would not share when you were playing with another child. You loved animals and especially our cats. They were like live baby dolls and you would dress them in doll clothes and pushed them around in your baby stroller. You were always very caring and gentle with them and very nurturing. You seemed to have a very special connection to them and them with you, which I still see to this day with your own pets. There is a kindness in your soul that is felt by animals and everyone who comes in contact with you. That kindness is a true gift from God that is not given to everyone.
You have a creative side that you love. It has always been fun to watch you create and to see the joy that it brings you. Whether it was an art project for school, a poem for your Papaw, a song you would write or your teaching blog that you are dedicated to today. Your creativity is your joy and another blessing that God has bestowed upon you.
You have learned to never just settle for status quo. You realize that the world has many options for you. When accounting turned out to not be your calling, you went back to school so you could teach. You are not afraid to try new experiences. Matter of fact, you tend to jump in with both feet and move forward. You look at options, analyze a situation and try to decide what your next step will be. I am so proud of you for that. Some people never learn in a lifetime that they are in control of their own destiny. You have learned that lesson and are living it every day. You put your trust in God and your faith in your ability to know yourself and what will be best for you. Then you put your fear aside and do what needs to be done.
One of the biggest lessons you have learned is about relationships. You learned the importance of having a mate that was a friend first. To have a mate that has similar values and belief system. You have learned how to know that your strength is from being able to find that person you can lean on and count on. That you have someone in your life you can trust and who trusts you. Someone who as you grow together makes you a better person and that together as a couple you grow closer. A lesson that you are living everyday with nine years of marriage to your high school sweetheart.
As a young woman, you are strong, smart and confident. If you don't know the answer to something, you will go and seek the knowledge you are looking for. You know your boundaries and won't let them be crossed unless you want them crossed. You realize that knowledge and growth continue as long as we are alive. I know that you will always looks to grow as a person. It is just who you are.
Do you have struggles? Yes, but so do we all. You strive to want to have balance in your life. That is a good thing. You have learned at a very early age the importance of making time for everything important to you and that we only have one life to live. You want your life to mean something and to have purpose. It is because you care. If you didn't care, then it would not matter. You have learned in your short life that what you do with your life does matter. It matters to you and especially to those you love. You fear that is a weakness but I realize that is one of your strengths. This will be one of your blessings.
So as I look at you today, I can still see that tiny baby with a head full of black hair. I see that baby and child that God trusted me with. I see the beautiful young woman you have become and my heart swells with pride. I know that as a parent I did so many things wrong, but when I see your life today I realize that I also did some things right. Please know that I will always LOVE you. I want you to be happy, healthy and loved. If you need a hug or an ear, I will always be there for you. I want you to know that even in your darkest, scariest, loneliest place in life, I will always be there by your side.
You are my First Motherly Blessing from God and I am so grateful that he chose me to be your mother.....
Love,
Mom
Below is a song I made up and would sing to my daughter when she was a baby. This song can still put a smile on my face to this day as I remember holding and rocking her as I sang it.
My Song to my Oldest Daughter
I love you my Stinker Poo
I love you oh yes I do
I love you my Stinker Poo
I love you do you love me too
 |
| My First Motherly Blessing |
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