A Mother's Easter Wish

Today is Easter Sunday....  My oldest daughter is married and lives in another state so we texted.  She is very busy with work and school.  We talk several times a week.   I wish I could have seen her today but I understand that distance makes that impossible at times.  I feel so blessed that I was able to spend today with my oldest son, Bubba Doo.   We had a great day...  We ate brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and we had wonderful cheesecake for dessert.  It was great.  Then we went to see a movie.  Bubba Doo picked the movie and we saw "10 Cloverfield Lane."   It was a great Sci-Fi thriller with John Goodman as a really crazy bad man.  I nearly jumped out of my seat during one scene.  Bubba Doo was trying to not laugh as I am sure it was a funny sight.  It was a great day...... except that as much as I enjoyed my time with my oldest son, I found myself realizing that I had two children who I had no contact with today.   The Easter bunny had only come for my oldest son.  So to YaYa and Bugga Boo I want to say:

                                              

I miss you both so much.  I hope you both had a wonderful Easter Sunday.  I hope you got a visit from the Easter bunny and got some fun treats.  I hope you are happy and healthy.  I hope you are loved.   I hope you day was extra special and that you will have great memories of this special day.  I pray that someday we can all spend an Easter together again.  I realize that may seem strange to you both, but I can't help but hope that someday I will get to see you both again.  I want to be able to hug you and tell you how much I love you.  I want to tell you how blessed I feel to have been chosen to be your mother, even if I would not get to be your mother forever.  I want you both to know that in my heart you will both always be my daughter and my son.  My baby daughter and my baby son....  No piece of paper or court order can change what I feel in my heart.  Most important I want to say Happy Easter and that I miss you and love you both.  x0x0

                                                 

I am so grateful to God for the blessing of my oldest daughter and oldest son.  I am grateful for all of the Easter's I have had with my oldest daughter and son.   I am grateful for the time I had with my youngest daughter and my youngest son.   I am especially grateful for this very special day that I got to spend with my 17 year old son.  As the parent of a teenager, I know that they much prefer their friends to parents.   My Mother's Easter wish is to one day be able to spend a special Easter with all of my children.....  I know then my mother's heart would feel more be complete....   

          

                                 

                                                                         

           

                                                                               

Family Is Who We Choose To Love...

I don't even know where to start.  It has happened again.  The same supposed friend made a comment standing in my kitchen that my youngest son was not my real son because he was adopted.   She then went on to say that no one would blame me for dissolving his adoption.  "He was not my REAL son."  I told her I disagree.  He is very much my REAL son.  I was initially upset because my oldest son was in the next room and I did not want him to hear what she was saying.  My oldest son is adopted and I did not want him to be hurt in anyway by this comment.  Her comments really disturbed me on so many levels.  First, what kind of friend would even say such a thing?  Is this how she feels about adoption?  What kind of friend, even when I explained how I feel insists that he was not my REAL son?  I have spent a great deal of the weekend in tears.  My anger runs so deep that I cannot even find the words to describe the hurt and betrayal I feel.  Maybe it is the realization that this person is not my friend after all.  You see I love ALL my children.  There is no difference if one is biological or one is adopted.  My oldest daughter reminded me of something this weekend. She reminded me of what my step-father use to say about family.  He would say it is not about blood it is about who you choose to love.  My step-father was right.  He was such a wise and wonderful man.

My Oldest daughter and her Papaw

As we go through life we choose who we love.  Sometimes, those that are related to us are the very ones who hurt and abuse us.  It is okay to remove a toxic person from your life when they inflict pain intentionally.  I know without a doubt my step-father loved me more than my biological father.  I can say that because my step-father showed me he loved me and he made that choice.  He loved my oldest daughter and was the best Papaw a child could have.  He unfortunately died before my youngest children could have a chance to get to know him. So I will repeat what my step-father said to me on several occasions. "Family is who you choose to love and not about biological relationships."



Do we have to love those who are biologically related to us?  I think it depends on how those related to us treat us.  You do not have to love someone who is mean, abusive, unkind, cruel, malicious, unpleasant, spiteful or disagreeable.   I choose to love my children... all of them.  I guess that some people don't understand that LOVE is a choice we make...  I choose to LOVE all of my children... I know in my heart that will never change...

As for the supposed friend who stood in my kitchen and insisted my youngest son was not my real son, you will never get it.   I chose to adopt and I choose to love all my children...  Yes, I admit that I had to dissolve my son's adoption...  I dissolved his adoption out of LOVE...  I recognized my son needed more help than I could provide.  I felt I had a responsibility as his mother to do what was BEST for him.  I made that choice out of love... just like the birth mom who chooses to place her baby for adoption to give that baby a better life than what she can provide.   Hard choices made out of LOVE.  I choose who I LOVE and I LOVE all my children equally.....  They are all my REAL daughters and sons.   My children are my family and I choose to LOVE them all.....

My youngest son who I LOVE with all my heart.....

A Mother's Neverending Grief

 

Sitting here just thinking about life.  No I am not at home.  I am sitting on the bus on my way to get groceries.  All of a sudden there is that heavy feeling in my chest. That feeling you get when someone
you love is gone. I have a lump in my throat and tears are welling up in my eyes.  I miss them so much.   I try not to. I remind myself I must move on. I had no choice. I had to let them go.   I hate that I had to make that choice.  What will it take for our children with Reactive Attachment Disorder to be able to get the help they need?  How many more children will loose their permanency?  How many more parents will be forced to have to dissolve an adoption even when their heart isn't in it?  How many more families will be torn apart?  Finally two tears roll down my cheeks.  One for YaYa and one for Bugga Boo.  I miss them so much.   I brush those tears away and remind myself I must move on....    but my heart always says I love them and I miss them dearly.....

A True Mama's Heart

What is a mother?  What makes a mother?  What is in a True Mama's Heart?....For most people they think of giving birth to a child who shares some of the mother's genes.  A child which is biologically related to the mother.  This is indeed a very special blessing to be able to have a biological child.  However, what happens if the dream to have a child cannot be fulfilled biologically?  What if the child is not biologically related, does that mean this child is less of a child to the Mom?  Is the bond between the mother and the child not as strong if they are not biologically related?  Does this make the mom less of a mother?

 

I recently had someone make a comment to me that I did all I could for my two children whose

adoptions I was forced to dissolve.  This friend commented that no one would think less of me

because my children were adopted.  ADOPTED!  This just hit me the wrong way.   Was my friend implying that you adopt a child and if it doesn't work out you just give them back.  Maybe my friend meant that you always love a biological child more and since my children were adopted it was ok to give them back.  Then I thought, did I do something to make her think that I loved my children less because they were adopted.   Did her statement say more about her or about me....

 

Here is what I know about a True Mama's Heart.  You love all your children...  It does not matter if your children come through you or to you...  They are your children and you love and protect them like a mama tiger does her cubs...   You see if these special children

came to you rather than through you that mama has endured a lot.  You see for several reasons that mama was not able to have a biological child.  It could be infertility, miscarriage or still birth.  Maybe the mama's husband is infertile.  Maybe that mama is infertile.   Maybe that mama got to only hold her newborn for a few hours as her baby died.  You see the mama that follows her journey to be a mama may have endured way more than the mama who is able to have her child biologically.  There could have been unsuccessful infertility treatments.  There are times that mama has had her marriage crumble because her marriage could not survive the grief and loss of not being able to have a biological child.  There are so many losses a mama may face before that one special child is able to come to her. 

 

So I want to say to anyone who thinks or says "..... your children were just adopted..."  I am here to tell you that to a true mama's heart that does not matter one bit.  A true mama does not care what race her child is.  A true mama will love any child that God sends to her.  If for any reason that mama looses her child, that mama's grief is real and just as strong as if she lost a biological child and chances are she has already lost a biological child.  The Love is the same...  The grief is the same...  You see to the true mama they are all her children and she loves them all with all her heart and soul.   There is no difference between a biological child or an adopted child.   To the true mama's heart they are all her children....  The true mama's heart LOVES all of her children....  The true mama's heart grieves the loss of any of her children...  A true mama's heart does not love one child more than another...  A true mama's heart loves all her children the same....  For a true mama her children are her children and it is as simple as that....   A true mama's heart loves all her children......