I recently have had to endure another loss. I had to find another home for my beloved Old English Sheepdog, Nellie. I am on disability and have a very limited income. I am struggling to make ends meet and Nellie was in need of surgery to remove a benign tumor. I had found out two months earlier that Nellie needed surgery and I just could not seem to scrape up the needed money. The fact is I was struggling to pay my own medical expenses. The cost of her surgery was more than I could afford. I had not thought of rehoming her until I saw a post in a Facebook group for Old English Sheepdogs (OES) from someone who had lost their OES and was looking for another OES to love. I decided after several weeks that I was faced with needing to find a home for Nellie that could love her and provide for her in a way that I could not. It did not matter how much I loved her, I did not have the needed money for her surgery. I had gone through bankruptcy two years ago and I had no where to even borrow the money from. As much as I loved Nellie, it was not fair for her to not have the needed care she deserved. There was no doubt that I loved Nellie, but she was in need of more than my love could provide. I needed to look past what I wanted and I needed to do what was best for Nellie. All of my love, would not be able to surgically remove Nellie's tumor.
I contacted Wendy, the person who had posted in the Old English Sheepdog Facebook
group. I told Wendy my situation and that my Nellie was needing a new home. I wanted to know if she would be interested. Wendy wrote back that yes she was interested. I told her about Nellie's tumor and I sent her all of Nellie's veterinary records. I asked Wendy where she lived. It turned out she lived in Casper, Wyoming. I could not believe it. My son and I had been to Casper last June when he had hockey camp there. I told Wendy about finding the off leash dog park in Casper and meeting a wonderful lady named Butch. Butch walked with Nellie, Molly (my son's dog) and I along the trail at the Morad dog park and she told me the history behind the park. When I mentioned this to Wendy, she told me Butch was like an adoptive mom to her. I knew this had to be a blessing from God. There was no way this had happened by coincidence. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and that people come into our lives for a reason. Even though I knew that this was meant to be, I would have a temporary change of heart before contacting Wendy again to let her know that I knew I needed to meet with her and let Nellie go live with her.
Wendy and I decided that we would each drive and meet half way so that she could get Nellie. I could not cry that day as I had spent several days in tears already. When I pulled up to the McDonald's, I left Nellie in the car so I could go and meet Wendy. We sat and spoke for a few minutes but I knew that Wendy must be anxious to meet Nellie and I knew that I needed to make a quick hand off. I was so nervous and trying so hard to not loose my composure. I did not want to cry in front of Wendy as I knew as sad as I was she was probably just as excited to get Nellie. I handed Nellie off and never even knelt down to hug Nellie goodbye. I knew if I did I might never let go. Nellie leaned up against my leg like she always did and I hugged her and petted her. I also took a couple of minutes to brush her coat as I had bathed her that morning before we left. I remember walking towards my car and Wendy had Nellie by her leash and Nellie stopped and looked at me like "aren't I going with you?" I got in my car and drove to the gas station across the highway so that I would be out of Nellie's sight. I am sure that Nellie must have been wondering what was going on. After I got gas and was waiting my turn to get back on the highway, I saw Wendy pulling out from across the street. I could see Nellie in the back seat with the window down and she seemed content to have the wind in her face. I felt like I had abandoned Nellie but I also knew she was getting a good home.
This is not the first time I have had to give up on someone or something I love.
In April 2012, I had to relinquish my two youngest children who I had adopted as infants from foster care and who had been in my home for 8 and 12 years. My children had severe attachment disorders and mental health needs and I could not get the appropriate mental health services for them. I had spent 7.5 years in therapy with them and had done everything I could to help them. In the end, they still needed more help than I could provide. You see no matter how much I loved them, love was not enough. Love could not fix their attachment disorders and could not fix their mental health needs. I had been advised by the DCFS post adopt committee and DCFS post adopt worker that my only resource was foster care. So I had to do what was best for them. I had to put their needs first. I relinquished my children so they could get the help that they needed that I could not get for them.
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Nellie at Morad dog park
in Casper |
It was during this same month that Nellie came to me as a rescue. I knew then as I know today that God had blessed me with Nellie at a time in my life when I needed her most. I got Nellie for my son who had lost his younger siblings. However, Nellie had other ideas about who she was in our home for. Nellie was by my side everyday. She was always with me. Everywhere I went, Nellie went. If I got up and went into the other room, Nellie got up and went into the other room with me. During the last 2.5 years Nellie has brought me so much comfort. I always felt so much love from Nellie. I knew Nellie loved me and I loved her. Even more important, I knew that we were attached to each other. It may sound crazy but Nellie and I had a bond that I had never had with my younger children. In the last few days, I have come to know and feel that Nellie was more attached to me than my own children were. It is something that is very painful to realize. When I said goodbye to my youngest children they skipped off like nothing and never even looked back. When I walked away from Nellie, I could see the look on her face. Nellie did not want me to go. I know that Nellie is in good hands and I know she will be loved. I pray that one day I will get to see Nellie again and I will explain why I had to find her a new home. Just like my younger children, Nellie needed care that I could not provide.
I am so thankful for the blessing that God gave me in being able to find Nellie's new home. Yes it still hurts but I know that God will watch over her and Wendy will love her and take care of her. In return, I know Nellie will love Wendy too... Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for those we love, is to let them go.........
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