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Through The Tears, This Is My Truth!.....

Well here I am in the happiest place in the world and I am walking around in tears.  I was invited to go to Orlando by my oldest daughter.  We checked in yesterday.  My daughter is here to attend a teaching conference and we are staying at the Walt Disney World Swan and Dolphin resort.   I decided to join my daughter so that I could have a chance to see her and to get a break to sleep and relax.  I don't have money for the theme parks and decided I could not go to them anyway as I would only think about my children and felt it would make me even more sad.  Grief can be a paralyzing force at times.

So here it is Monday and I thought I would be ready to explore the resort.  Well I woke up at 2:14pm.  I could not believe I slept that long.  I remember my daughter leaving the hotel room this morning and I thought "I will just lay here a little longer before I get up."  Next thing I know it is afternoon and I am not even out of bed.  I got up showered and decided to go and get something to eat.  I found a little restaurant at the Dolphin resort and had a Caesar salad.  I looked at my phone and noticed it has some text messages and a couple of missed phone calls.  One of the phone calls and texts was from my long time dear friend Nancy.  I called her back and she had some news to tell me regarding my sisters.  Since I got off of Facebook in June and since I have had no contact with my Mom or sisters, I could not even imagine what was going on.  Turns out my sisters were talking on Facebook.  I am not for sure what was said but Nancy was upset by it.  Nancy said she had finally had enough.  Nancy tried to remind my sisters that they had another sister.  My middle sister, Rose wrote back for Nancy to " mind her own F#$%ing business and stay out of our families' business."  Nancy wanted me to know that she unfriended my sisters and why.  Then Nancy sent me a message she got from my baby sister Anne.  The message said "Good morning Nancy...I wouldn't respond if this was anyone else but because you've known my family so long and are friends with my sister, I felt compelled to give you the rest of this equation.  Forgive Rose, she's just protective and always has been.  She's also always been a little hot headed.  Part of that is being Italian.  Rose means well.  I know perfectly well I have another sister.  My oldest sister Amelia chose not just once but twice to disown me as her sister.  I am only speaking for myself in this correspondence.  In September 2011 was the first time and around September of 2012 was the last.  She, not me, has chosen to block me from Facebook and not return so many calls that I stopped calling.  I'm so happy that she has you and other good friends like Cheryl in her life.  The one thing I'm clear on especially in regards to my own life is that as long as we remain a victim, we remain sick.  I pray for all of my family and friends and will keep doing so.  My biggest prayer is that my sister Amelia get the help she so desperately needs.  I would never want to see anyone suffer much less my own sister.  I know what we grew up with and if I can heal, anyone can heal.  Forgiveness and love are the remedy for what ales Amelia.  It worked for me.  I only speak for myself and I refuse to be in anyone's war or to be manipulated any more.  I spent a lifetime there.  I definitely walk in wellness and with purpose today.  Take Care and again I'm praying for all of us and I am so happy Amelia has you."  

So here I am sitting with my Caesar salad in front of me at a Walt Disney World resort and the tears just start streaming down my face.   I guess we all have our own TRUTH.  I have never disowned my sisters.  That is my TRUTH.  My last phone conversation with Anne was on October 10, 2012, when she called me to let me know that she had recently been to Salt Lake City but had not seen me.  During the phone conversation, is when I realized that Anne had been to Salt Lake City with my mother.   My last correspondence with my mother was on September 14, 2011, when she emailed "asking that I leaver her alone......I wish you well but ask you to forget who I am."  On that same day, my sister Rose had sent me a private message on Facebook saying the same thing my mother said. So the only family member I had contact with since September 2011, was my baby sister Anne.  I realized that Anne was trying to tell me she had come to Salt Lake City with my mother to visit my two youngest children.  When I asked Anne if she had come to Salt Lake to see my children she replied "they're not your children anymore."  Anne and I did not have words and I did thank her for letting me know that she had been to Salt Lake.  My understanding for the reason that Anne called me was that she wanted to put pictures on Facebook and wanted to let me know before she did.  Anne told me she did not want to hurt me but I felt like a large knife have just penetrated my gut.  I remember telling Anne if you really did not want to hurt me you would have told me before you came to see my kids not after.  I did unfriend Anne after that phone call.  I knew it would be too painful to see pictures of my two youngest children with my Mom and sisters smiling like nothing had ever even happened.   My TRUTH is that I unfriended my sister Anne to protect myself from seeing pictures that would be to painful for me to see.  I felt a need to protect myself and to not be further hurt by my own family.

So it is three and a half hours later and I still sit here in tears as I write this.  I am not a victim.  I am not trying to have a war or manipulate anyone, much less my family.  I am a mother who made the very tough choice to relinquished two of her children with mental illness so that they could get the help they needed and that I could not provide.  What I did for my children was out of love for them.  I get that my family does not understand this.  I get that most of the world may not understand this.  That is ok.  I know that God knows my intentions and what is truly in my heart.  I pray for the day that my mother and sisters can no longer hurt me and bring me to tears.  I love them but my family dynamics are too toxic for me to be around.  I have been asked to leave them alone and I have honored their requests.  As for my two youngest children, I miss them everyday and pray that God watches over them.   THIS IS MY TRUTH! 


        

Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Depression is an illness caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain which affects how you feel, think and act.  Research has shown that depression is a medical illness just like diabetes or high blood pressure.  There's a lot of variety in how people experience depression.  It can be mild to severe.  Some of the symptoms of depression are:




     *  Feeling down, hopeless or irritable
     *  Taking little interest or pleasure in things you used to enjoy
     *  Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much
     *  Feeling tired or having little energy
     *  A poor appetite or overeating
     *  Trouble concentrating
     *  Wanting to be alone more
     *  Moving or speaking so slowly that other people notice
     *  Feeling so restless that you move around a lot more than usual
     *  Feeling bad about yourself, thinking you are a failure or that you've let yourself or others down

These symptoms make it difficult for you to work, take care of things at home and to perform your activities of daily living.  Depression should always be taken seriously and is treated with antidepressants, psychotherapy or both. 

Virtually any trauma, defined as an event that is life-threatening or that severely compromises the physical or emotional well-being of an individual or causes intense fear, may cause post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Such events often include either experiencing or witnessing a severe accident or physical injury, receiving a life-threatening medical diagnosis, being the victim of kidnapping or torture, exposure to war combat or to a natural disaster, exposure to other disaster (for example, plane crash) or terrorist attack, being the victim of rape, mugging, robbery, or assault, enduring physical, sexual, emotional, or other forms of abuse, as well as involvement in civil conflict. Although the diagnosis of PTSD currently requires that the sufferer has a history of experiencing a traumatic event as defined here, people may develop PTSD in reaction to events that may not qualify as traumatic but can be devastating life events like divorce or unemployment.

As I journeyed through the last three years and having to place my children back in foster care to get mental health treatment I found myself feeling depressed.  Two years ago, I was placed on Prozac to help me with my depression.  During this time, I continued in counseling with my therapist.  As I have continued to work, raise my 15 year old son and process the purpose of why I had to relinquish my parental rights to my two youngest children, I found myself loosing my battle with depression.  Every time I turned around, something would remind me of my children I no longer had.  The hallways at the hospital where I work were full of reminders of the trauma I had gone through with
different hospitalizations and emergency room visits for seizures, injuries, pneumonia, cellulitis, status epilepticus, over night EEG's and  out of control behavior. Work reminded me of all the times I had taken my daughter there for dangerous behavior only to spend 8 hours in the emergency room and then be sent back home because there were no psychiatric beds. I kept trying to put on a strong front but found I could not hardly get out of bed and that I did not want to go to work.  I just want to
stay in bed with the covers over my head.  I don't want to face the world or anybody in it.  This grief

was affecting my job.  On August 21, 2013, I received a final written warning at work for attendance.  I saw my primary care physician the very next day and I was placed on Family Medical Leave from work for depression and post traumatic stress disorder.  I have gotten to where I cannot function.

 

I am currently under my doctors care, on another antidepressant and remain in counseling.  My
medications have been changed and I had a bad reaction to one of the medications I was placed on so

I have now been placed on a new antidepressant.  I could sleep 18-20 hours a day.  I really feel I need this much sleep.  I don't feel I have what it takes to be able to be a good parent to my son.  At first, I felt so hopeless and like I could disappear from earth and no one would even notice.  Not such a good feeling.  It has been several weeks that I have been on leave and my FMLA ends on October 21, 2013.  I am not for sure I will be able to go back to work by then.   I think of YaYa and Bugga Boo everyday and wonder where they are and how they are doing.   I pray that I have done the right thing so that they can get the help they need.   I never really knew what PTSD was until I experienced it myself.   I am not sure how long my depression may last but I will continue to see my doctor and remain in therapy so that I can get better.....