A Mother's Ultimate Betrayal

What is betrayal?  According to Wikipedia betrayal is the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship amongst individuals, between organizations or between individuals and organizations.  When you think of trust and the one person you should be able to trust in the whole world, what comes to my mind is "mother".   In the ideal world, a mother can be trusted above anyone else.  The ideal mother loves her child unconditionally and is there for that child no matter what.  What happens in the real world when you realize that the one person you should be able to trust is the exact person who has betrayed you?  What happens when your real mother cannot be trusted and will betray and intentionally hurt you?  What is the healthy way to deal with this type of hurt and betrayal?

My Mom & Bugga Boo

I recently learned that my mother has violated what I thought was our Mother Daughter Trust and has to me committed what feels like the ultimate betrayal.  After being placed in a position to have to relinquish my parental rights to my two youngest children in 2012, I learned that my mother has custody of my youngest son and is planning on adopting him.  The hurt I feel from learning about this is felt down to my core being and takes my breath away.  My chest is heavy and my heart hurts.  I am still reeling from the grief of loosing two of my children and having to face the fact that I could not help them.  Why would my mom do this?    I have gotten use to not having the emotional support of my mother. It has been that way my whole life. My mother was not there for me emotionally when I was struggling trying to raise two children with attachment disorders.  My mom was there to always tell me how my children were perfect angels around her so it was obvious that I must be the problem.  Really?  I eventually learned to not even discuss the problems I was having with my children because I knew my mom would find a way to blame me or make me the problem.  I thank God that I have a therapist and professionals around me who can and did validate the trauma I was experiencing with my children.  I LOVE my children with all my HEART.  I tried to help them in every way that I could.  I was not able to get them the appropriate mental health resources and services while they were in my home.  I placed them in foster care so that they could get the help they needed that I could not provide.  I placed my children in foster care out of  LOVE.   I know that may sound crazy but it is the truth.  It is my truth.  I knew my children needed help, more help than I was able to get them.  I painfully learned that Love was not enough...  I just was not quite prepared for my mother to step in and be the almighty rescuer.  Wow!  I don't even think there are words for what I am feeling.

I feel overwhelming grief mixed in with lots and lots of emotional trauma.  I tried and I could not help my children and keep my home SAFE.   I had to choose safety and that meant I had to admit to 
myself that I did NOT have the resources and could not get the services my children needed.   Yes you could say I failed my children but I feel I had an obligation to get them the help that I could not provide.  Is that not what a parent should do?  Is it wrong to know what your limitations are as a parent?  Relinquishing my parental rights was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.  It goes against everything a mother is suppose to do.  It was during this time that I lost what little emotional support I had from my mother and sisters.  There was absolutely no understanding or empathy for the position I was in as a mother who loved her children and wanted to help them and could not keep my home safe. 

I find myself unable to get out of bed in the morning.  I go through the motions of what I need to do
but could really care less.  I am on the verge of loosing my job and received a final written warning for time and attendance.  I don't even have the strength to get out of bed and go to work on some days.  When I do manage to get out of bed, I am late about 20% of the time.  I feel so alone in this struggle.  I have lost two of my children.   I could cry and never quit crying.  I have been on an antidepressant for over two years.  I can't imagine where I might be if I had not asked for help with my depression.  I don't know how to really make sense out of all of this.   I am trying to go on.  I want to know that my life is important and that this whole experience has some significance.

I am ANGRY.  Angry at my mom for betraying me.  Angry at a system that failed my children and my family.  I know I am suppose to be an adult but I still feel betrayed.  I can't help but wonder if my son will get the help he needs?  I know the difficulties I have endured from being raised in a narcissistic family and I can't help but feel grief for my son who is now being raised in those very same family dynamics.  My oldest daughter is emotionally torn by learning of her grandmother's intent to adopt her brother.  Stinker Poo confided in me that this was so messed up on so many levels.  My oldest son feels abandoned by his grandmother who no longer has anything to do with him.  I don't even have words for my children except to say I am sorry.  I listen to them and I can empathize with their feelings.  So my son will become my brother when my mom adopts him.  Stinker Poo and Bubba Doo will have their brother become their uncle when my mom adopts.  I know in my heart that Bugga Boo will always be my son but in the eyes of the law he is not my son.  When my mom adopts, he becomes my brother.  My estranged brother.....  Estranged just like my mom and sisters.....

My Mom and Bugga Boo
Posted on Facebook

I am struggling with this right now.   I feel depressed and traumatized.  I find that everywhere I go something reminds me of my children I no longer have.  These reminders bring overwhelming grief.  I am on medical leave from work right now as I work with my therapist and my doctor to get my depression under control.  I am trying to understand where my mom is coming from.  What is her side of this story?  What can I learn from all of this?  In addition, my oldest daughter has confided that she feels this decision my mom has made to adopt my son will shorten her life.  My daughter feels like the stress of trying to raise a ten year old boy will take it toll on my mother's health.  I fear that my son could physically hurt my mother as I worry he will not get the needed help to address his attachment issues.  My daughter reminded me that either way, it could shorten my mother's life.....

I guess at this point in time, I need to focus on myself.  I want to feel like it is ok to get out of bed.  I want to not feel like I could cry every day.  I want the day to come when my tears are not just under the surface waiting to be shed.  My heart wants to feel that I have a loving mom I can trust but I know that there is no TRUST and that I have experienced the ultimate betrayal by my own mother.....

I guess what really hurts the most is to think that YaYa and Bugga Boo may feel that I have betrayed them.  This breaks my heart for I now know exactly the kind of hurt one can feel from a mother's betrayal.......  A hurt I never meant to place on my children but one they may feel just the same.