I was fortunate enough to be invited to a DCFS focus group on August 5th, to share my story. Below is what I got to read to the group:
The Blessings Story – Broken Bonds
I have been invited here today to share my family’s story.
My story began not on the day I adopted, but when I was four years old and knew
that my life’s purpose was to be a mother. Like many adoptive parents, I had
struggled with infertility, failed marriages, and a miscarriage before adoption
allowed me to become a mother again. I did have one biological daughter but my
dream to have another child was unfulfilled. I decided to do foster care in
hopes of providing a safe home for a child in need and possibly adopting. I became a licensed Legal Risk Foster parent
for the State of Utah in
1998. I learned that Legal Risk Foster
parents could provide permanency for a child in DCFS custody by fostering and
then adopting if needed. I knew that by
fostering and adopting I would be preventing a child from incurring more
trauma. Even with all of the training and ongoing education provided by DCFS, I
was not prepared for the lasting impact that early childhood trauma, including
trauma sustained in the womb, can have on a child.
I have three adopted children from the same birth mother,
who is an IV drug abuser. I got my first
two adopted children as newborns and my youngest son when he was 3 months
old. All three of my children tested
positive for heroin and cocaine at birth.
My two sons were born premature at 34 and 36 weeks gestation and my
youngest daughter was born term but was addicted to black tar heroin at birth. All three of my children had extended stays
in the hospital at birth due to the effects of their intrauterine drug
exposure. My family endured what most
families who adopt babies born exposed to drugs experience. My children all had developmental delays,
neurological impairments, multiple infections, serious health problems that led
to multiple hospitalizations, seizure disorders, speech delays, global
encephalopathy, learning disabilities, cognitive disorders and severe behavior
problems. From the beginning DCFS and
post adopt said things would get better as my children got older.
I feel like DCFS dismissed my concerns when they approached
me about adopting a 2nd and 3rd child. DCFS knew I was a single parent. Initially, I was told by my original post
adopt worker with DCFS that the State did not want children to not be adopted
because of money or resources. I
believed the post adopt worker that the resources would be available when I
needed them. I didn’t really start
needing more money and resources until my daughter YaYa was 5 years old. By the time I needed help, it seemed none was
available. Since 2008, my post adopt
worker has been from the Provo
office. The post adopt worker was always
polite and returned my calls, but was never really able to help me locate
resources or services for my children.
Over the years my
children were diagnosed with ADHD, mood disorders, anxiety, depression,
Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Bipolar and Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder. My daughter was placed in
residential treatment at Primary Children’s in 2004 after attempting to kill
Bubba Doo by trying to strangle him in the middle of the night. During the next 7 ½ years, my family
continued in weekly or biweekly therapy.
YaYa had three different psychiatric hospitalizations. What I found was that as my children got
older the safety in my home was becoming a bigger issue. It seemed that no matter how much therapy we
did or how much medication they were placed on, nothing helped. During this time, I continued to take
parenting classes, I attended a post adopt support group with DCFS, continued therapy for myself, attended
a monthly seizure support group and attended NAMI workshops. In 2008, my children and I started attending
weekly to biweekly therapy at VMH in Park
City.
My home continued to be consumed in chaos. I was doing everything I knew to do but
YaYa’s behavior continued to escalate.
She had daily temper tantrums and melt downs. I spent countless hours on
early childhood developmental interventions, physical therapy, speech therapy,
occupational therapy, doctor visits, mental health therapy and hospital
visits. I was proactive, searched out
therapy, resources and services that might help my children. I knew I could not give up. Because of the long journey I had endured to
be a mother and my unwavering love for my children, I believed with all my
heart we would prevail. During this same time, I watched my home being
physically destroyed by rages, temper tantrums and melt downs. Furniture was destroyed, holes were placed in
the walls and doors, and electronics were intentionally damaged.
When YaYa was 6 years old, I found her purposefully
setting the playhouse on fire because she was mad. I was constantly dealing with lying,
stealing, and the hiding and hoarding of family member’s personal possessions
and money, as well as food. I had to
clean up fecal smears from the walls. My
sons were constantly being victimized by YaYa who vocalized that they had
ruined her life and she wanted them dead.
YaYa would punch, hit, kick, slap, pinch her brothers until their skin
would bleed from her nail. My sons
sustained black eyes, as well as cuts and bruises. The boys had been intentionally pushed into
furniture, thrown across the room, jumped on by YaYa with the intent to break
a bone, chased with knives, choked and intentionally run over by YaYa’s
bike. I found myself unable to sleep at
night because I feared for the safety of my children and knew I had to make
sure that one child was not hurting the other children while they slept. My
children were counting on me to get them the right help and the right
diagnosis. I struggled to understand the
dynamics being displayed in my home even though I no longer felt safe in my own
home. If I felt unsafe, how did I make my children who had already experienced
so much trauma feel safe?
It wasn’t until August 2010, when YaYa was hospitalized at
the University Neuropsychiatric Institute after attempting to kill Bugga Boo that
I was told she had Reactive Attachment Disorder. I was in shock. My daughter was 11 years old when she was
finally diagnosed with RAD. How could my children have spent so many years in therapy and not
have gotten the correct diagnosis?
Since I had two sons to protect, I knew I could not take
YaYa back home. I was forced to have
to refuse to take YaYa home from UNI. CPS was
called and I was initially charged with Abandonment. I was informed that if I brought YaYa home
and she injured or killed one of her brothers, I would be charged with Failure
to Protect. When all I had wanted was to provide a loving home to children who
needed one, how did it come down to a choice between abandonment and failure to
protect? YaYa entered back in foster care on 8/24/2010.
It was during this time that I found a monthly support group
for parents who have children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I also became a member of Attach and attended
the yearly conference Omaha, Nebraska
in September 2011 so that I could learn more about attachment disorders. In the 20 months that my daughter was in
foster care before I disrupted, she had absolutely NO family therapy or therapy
with her brothers. For the first 18
months, YaYa’s goal was reunification, however I never saw any attempt by
DCFS to provide the appropriate services and therapy so that YaYa could be
reunited with her family.
My youngest son Bugga Boo was also diagnosed with RAD. I woke up one morning in July 2011, to
discover that Bugga Boo had killed Bubba Doo’s pet hamster and exhibited absolutely no
remorse or empathy. Then 6 months later,
I had to take our cat to the vet after he was intentionally injured by
Bugga Boo. Again, there was no help for
my son and I was advised by DCFS and the Utah
county post adopt committee that my only resource was foster care. Bugga Boo was placed back in foster care on 12/28/11 at the age of 8.
Since I had two children with RAD and in foster care, the
Guardian Ad Litem told me it was obvious to her and to DCFS that I was the problem. I was told in December 2011, via an email 6
hours after a court hearing that I could only have DCFS supervised visits. DCFS and the GAL did not support phone
contact as there was no way to monitor phone conversations. In addition, I was not informed of or invited
to school IEP meetings or health and dental appointments for YaYa and
Bugga Boo. When questioned, I was told
that I was not invited because the GAL was requiring DCFS supervised
visits. I was kept from my children and
told I could not know where Bugga Boo's foster home was and that I could not
contact his foster mom.
I found DCFS, GAL, AG and the Juvenile Justice System to be
hostile and adversarial. The system treated me like I was a drug addicted,
abusing neglectful parent. I placed my children in foster care not because I
didn’t love or want them or because I abused them or neglected them. I placed them in foster care because I was
told they could only get the help they needed as wards of the state. I did not
feel supported emotionally or physically by DCFS. I do not feel that DCFS acted in the best
interest of my children. My oldest son,
Bubba Doo, did not even get a chance to tell his siblings goodbye before I
relinquished my parental rights. After
being beaten down emotionally, physically, and financially, I voluntarily
relinquished my parental rights to YaYa and Bugga Boo on April 5, 2012.
I still love my children and miss them everyday. I have had no contact or updates since I
relinquished. I pray everyday and place my trust in God that he will continue
to watch over YaYa and Bugga Boo.
My home was the only home that YaYa and Bugga Boo had known
since they were infants. I fostered and
adopted so they could have that permanency.
I did not cause YaYa and Bugga Boo’s attachment issues or pre-birth
trauma. I did everything I could to
advocate and help my children. If my
children had cancer, I would never have been placed in a position to have to
place them in foster care to get appropriate treatment. I am not the enemy; however, that is exactly
how I was treated by the Child Welfare System.
I did not have the emotional strength to continue to fight a broken
system. As a single parent with three
special needs children, I did everything I could to help them. Was I a perfect parent? No!
Could I have done some things better?
Absolutely! I am sure as a parent
I made mistakes. All parents do. However, I was in no way abusive or
neglectful. DCFS and I were not working
together as a team to do what was best for YaYa and Bugga Boo.
Children adopted from the foster care system all have some
kind of early childhood trauma, which makes them at a higher risk for
attachment disorders and mental health issues.
We now know that it is this early childhood trauma that places children
at a higher risk for attachment disorders.
A parent should never be placed in a position to have to relinquish a
child to the State to get mental health treatment. For the State and Child Welfare System to not
provide the families adopting these children with the necessary resources only
sets these children and families up for failure. If the goal for children in the foster care
system is permanency, then the families adopting these children need to be
empowered and given the necessary tools and resources to parent these children. If DCFS, the Juvenile Justice and the Child
Welfare systems continue to be adversarial, punitive and to blame adoptive
parents for attachment disorders then we will only continue to see more
adoptions being disrupted. This only
results in more trauma for the child, the family, and society as a whole.
It felt good to be able to tell my story. However, I found it shocking to see how many of the people on the DCFS focus group had no idea that something like this could happen. How could they not know? How could there be such a disconnect? I don't know, but what I do know is that I will continue to tell my story and I will continue to advocate for the necessary changes to insure this does not happen to other children and families.
My Motherly Blessings
