What Kind of Adoptive Parent Voluntarily Relinquishes Their Parental Rights???

The same judge granted the adoptions of my children.  As I was leaving the courtroom after YaYa's adoption proceeding, the judge stopped me and said "you know you can't give them back."  At that point, the judge was referring to Bubba Doo and YaYa.  I replied, "I understand your honor and I would never do that."  That was twelve years ago and I meant what I said 110%.

I left the courtroom that day thinking to myself, what kind of parent would give their child back?  I could not even imagine a parent even considering such an option much less following through on it.  I did not give it much thought because I knew without a doubt that I would NEVER place my children back in foster care.  I would not place them back into the system I had rescued them from.  I would love them, provide for them and make sure they had everything they needed.  These children were my blessings from God.  I knew that the post adopt worker and DCFS had assured me that there would always be the needed money or resources to address whatever needs might arise in the future.  The State was aware that I was a single parent and I had voice my concerns about adopting a second and third baby.  I knew that with my resilience and determination and with the State's help when I really needed it, I would always be able to provide what my children needed.  The State, Child Welfare System and God were trusting me with these children and with the State having my back, I would be able to handle anything that came my way.  At least, that is what I thought 12 years ago.

What I now know is exactly what kind of parent adopts a child from foster care and is then forced to have to place that child back in the same system.  It is a parent who loved her baby and did everything she could to help her precious daughter withdraw from the heroin she was born addicted to.  It is the parent who sat holding her inconsolable baby and cried with her because the parent could feel her baby's pain but could do nothing to ease it.  It is a parent who is awakened at night to find their 5 year old strangling their 6 year old with a karate belt.  It is the parent who took their 5 year old child to the emergency room after a 13 hour long temper tantrum.  It is that same parent who wakes up in the morning to find her 5 year old covered in vomit and post-ictal from a seizure, takes her to the hospital and is told that her child does not have seizures, it is ADHD and behavior.  It is a parent who is forced to deal with health care providers that don't understand and won't listen to what this parent has to say about her child.  It is a parent who watches her child wake up in the morning and not be able to use her legs or arms.  A child who is temporarily paralyzed and scared beyond belief as the parent frantically rushes her child to the emergency room scared that her child could possibly have some type of brain tumor.   The parent is told by doctors nothing is wrong and this parent feels helpless when she knows in her heart something is seriously wrong.  It is a parent who is told to place her 5 year old in residential care because of the child's behavior and if the parent would read 123 Magic, then she would know how to parent this child.  It is a parent who for the 7th time in her child's short life rushes her to the emergency room and then watches her child seize for 6 1/2 hours while the doctors won't listen to the parent as she tries to explain she thinks her daughter is seizing.  Then an EEG is finally completed at the parent's request which confirms that the parent is correct and her child is in Status Epilepticus.  It is the parent who spends countless hours on early developmental interventions, physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, doctor visits, mental health therapy and hospital visits.  It is a parent who has been proactive, searched out therapy, resources and services on her own.  It is the parent who never gives up and who has tried as hard as she can to advocate to get her child the right help and the right diagnosis.

It is the parent who in a million years never dreamed that the safety issues in her home would be created from one of her own children.  It is a parent who has to protect her other children from being physically and emotionally hurt by one of their siblings.  It is the parent who rushes her youngest child to the doctor fearing his leg might be broken after being attacked by an older sibling.  It is a parent who consoles her oldest son's broken heart when his pet hamster has been intentionally killed by a younger sibling.  It is a parent who is horrified to witness her child punch, hit, kick, slap, give a black eye or pinch another child until their skin bleeds from her nail and who knows that no amount of interventions, therapy or parenting she has done have stopped the behavior.  It is a parent who has seen a child's head intentionally pushed into dressers, seen one sibling throw another sibling across a room, seen their child jump on siblings with the intent to hurt them, chase siblings with knives threatening to kill them, choke siblings using an arm hold, intentionally run her siblings over with a bike and seen the child inflicting harm show no remorse, empathy and deny any wrong doing.

It is a parent who watches her home being destroyed by rages, temper tantrums and melt downs.  Furniture is destroyed, holes are placed in the walls, holes are placed in doors, several scratches are put on the new flat screen TV because the youngest child is angry at the family.  It is a parent who finds her 6 year old intentionally setting the playhouse on fire because she is mad.  It is a parent who has to deal with lying, stealing, hiding and hoarding other family member's personal possessions and money, as well as food.  It is a parent who has had to clean up fecal smears from bathroom, bedroom and hallway walls.  A parent who has to take the family cat to the vet after it is intentionally injured by her own son.  Then that parent brings the injured cat home to take care of it, only to have the child that injured the cat laugh every time medicine is given to the cat.  It is a parent who can't sleep at night because she fears the safety of her children and wants to make sure that one child is not hurting the other children while they sleep.  It is the parent who struggles to understand her child even when this parent no longer feels safe in her own home.

It is a parent who was gullible and believed in false promises.  It is a parent who had the State and Child Welfare System fail to provide the financial support or the promised resources when it comes time and her child needs more help.  It is a parent who continues to work with a DCFS post adopt worker.  The parent has met with the post adopt committee only to be told there are no resources and they can't help her.  It is a parent who finds out three weeks after placing her child at the Utah Youth Village that Medicaid will no longer cover residential care.  It is the parent with two insurances who can't get her child the proper mental health resources.  It is a parent who is forced to place her child in foster care because that is the only resource available to her.  The parent then goes to the child's shelter hearing to find out she is being investigated and may be charged with ABANDONMENT because she refused to take her child home from the psychiatric hospital and further endanger her other children at home.  Then the parent finds the Child Welfare System adversarial and hostile.  How can the same system that trusted this parent and placed two more children with her now turn on her when her children need more help than the parent can provide?  This is a parent who is accused of making up diagnoses and lying about dates for appointments.  This is a system that wants to blame the parent who has been there for the last 13 years fighting and advocating for her children.  This is a parent who is exhausted and already traumatized from dealing with her child's trauma that occurred prior to the child even being placed in the parent's home.

Then as the parent is navigating the Child Welfare System in an attempt to get her children the help they need, the system informs the parent that she has to have DCFS supervised visits.  The Guardian Ad Litem informs the parent that she does not support phone contact because there is no way to monitor it.  The same parent that the Child Welfare System trusted enough to placed three children with is now not trusted enough to even have a phone call with her child.  The parent is confused and feels beaten down emotionally.  The parent is not abusive, a drug addict or neglectful.  The parent is forced to spend countless hours on emails to prove and document that she is not lying, making up diagnoses and has been truthful with the system.  As this parent struggles with her emotions and the loss of her children, the system further traumatizes the parent by saying she is unstable because she is emotional and was crying in court.  So the parent works really hard in therapy to learn how to keep her tears in check so that she does not appear "unstable."  The parent makes it through a court hearing with no tears only to find out that the system now thinks she is "too cold" and "too matter of fact."  That parent begins to realize she is in a NO WIN situation.

The parent tells her attorney she does not have the emotional strength to continue to deal with a system that is broken.  The parent explains to her attorney that something is wrong with the Child Welfare System when the post adopt side of DCFS tells the adoptive parent that her only resource is foster care.  So the parent trusting the DCFS post adopt worker and the post adopt committee, contacts CPS with the help of her attorney so that she can get the much needed help for her child.  Then to the parent's surprise, she is treated like she is the problem.  The parent is trying to advocate for her child, but it becomes obvious that she is being treated like she has been abusive to her child when nothing could be further from the truth.  It is a parent who has been told a lot of half truths by the Child Welfare System and finds that there is a lack of accountability, false accusations, lack of follow through, miscommunication and a serious breakdown in communication within that system.  It is the parent who has told her daughter in therapy that she is relinquishing her parental rights and does a final goodbye with the help of her daughter's therapist.  The parent who tries to schedule a goodbye therapy session with her son and has it fall through due to a breakdown in communication within the system.  It is a parent who has been assured by her attorney, the foster care worker and DCFS that her children will not be at the courthouse on the day she relinquishes her parental rights.  That same parent walks through the doors of the courthouse on that day to hear "mommy, mommy" as the children she is relinquishing come up and hug her.  A parent who can no longer control her tears and is told that her children are there due to another breakdown in communication within the system.  It is the parent whose heart is breaking when she leaves the courtroom and her children are playing and indifferent to what is going on.  A parent who is asked "do you want to say goodbye to your children one last time?"  It is a parent who never dreamed that trying to get her children the help they needed would lead to her needing to relinquish her parental rights.

So to answer the original question as to what type of adoptive parent places their children back into foster care and then requests termination of parental rights, it is the parent who is emotionally, financially and physically exhausted.  The parent who realizes she is in a  "NO WIN" situation.  It is a parent who as a single working mother has done everything she knows to do, has advocated as hard as she can, has shed a million tears, has poured her heart and soul into being a mother and trying to meet her children's needs.  It is a parent who has loved all of her children with an intense devotion, and done everything  in her power to make her children feel loved.  It is a parent who knows that LOVE isn't enough.  It is a parent who still has a traumatized child at home that she still needs to parent.  It is a parent who has had to face the EMOTIONAL DEFEAT that she on her own could not meet the needs of her children and that the system she trusted did not provide the promised support.  It is the parent who prays for the day when the Child Welfare System will provide support instead of blaming adoptive parents for trauma that was inflicted on their child before being placed in their home.  A parent who longs for the day when the Child Welfare System is accountable and does what is in the child's best interest.  The day when adoptive parents, the State, the Child Welfare System and DCFS all work together as a team to provide what is best for the child.  It is a parent who has to realize that God trusted these special children to her and now she has to place her trust in God that he will continue to watch over them.  It is a parent who will continue to pray everyday for her children and will forever carry these children with her in her heart....

My Triple Blessing Into Adoption

Ever since I was four years old, I have wanted to be a Mom.  That dream was fulfilled on February 7, 1984, when I gave birth to my daughter, Stinker Poo.  Unfortunately, my marriage did not make it but I loved being a Mom.  In 1985, I got divorced and six months later Houston hit a bust in the oil economy and I was laid off from my job.  I decided I needed to return to school and I did just that.  I graduated in August 1988, with an Associate of Science degree in Respiratory Therapy.  I worked as a Registered Respiratory Therapist.  I was a divorced single working parent raising my oldest daughter.  I always thought that eventually I would remarry and have one more child.  In 1995, I suffered a miscarriage and lost the baby I had been wanting for years.  My marriage ended in an annulment.  After the loss of my baby and my marriage, I decided to do Legal Risk Foster Care as I felt in my heart that I was suppose to be a mother again.

In May 1998, I received a call from a shelter worker named Alice who was looking for a foster home for a premature newborn.  She told me the birth mother was an IV drug abuser and her drug of choice was heroin.  The birth Mom chose to use cocaine and that caused the placenta to abrupt, which is why the baby was born premature at 34 weeks.  This baby was Bubba Doo.  He spent his first day in the Neonatal ICU on oxygen and then transferred to the nursery.  Bubba Doo had issues with temperature instability, irritability, feeding difficulties and weight loss.  I did feedings three times a day with Bubba Doo while he remained in the hospital.  When he was eleven days old, I got to take him home.  He weighed 4 pounds and 11 ounces.  Bubba Doo continued to have feeding difficulties and after eight different formulas I found one that he could tolerate.  In December 1998, Bubba Doo was hospitalized with Rotavirus and Buccal Cellulitis.  Due to his birth history and the seriousness of his cellulitis, he was tested for HIV and tested negative.  In January 1999, Bubba Doo was hospitalized again for resistant Strep Pneumococcous pneumonia.  Since this was Bubba Doo's second serious bacterial infection that required hospitalization, he had a full HIV workup which thankfully came back negative. Bubba Doo was discharged from the hospital with a PICC line and continued to receive IV antiobiotics after I took him home.

The day Bubba Doo was discharged from the hospital in January 1999, is the day I went to court to adopt him.  Bubba Doo was small for his age initially and was followed in the Neonatal Follow-Up Program for developmental issues until he was 3 years old.  He was delayed in speech and when he was 3 years old started speech therapy for an oral motor deficit and an articulation disorder.  Bubba Doo continued in speech until the end of third grade.  In 2004, Bubba Doo was diagnosed with Complex Partial Seizures.  He struggled in school with learning difficulties and was diagnosed with Dyslexia.  In 2008, Bubba Doo had a neuropsych evaluation and was diangosed with a Cognitive Disorder and Reading Disorder.  It was during this time that Bubba Doo was diagnosed with migraine headaches.  Bubba Doo continues to struggle in school and in 2011 was diagnosed with abdominal migraines and irritable bowel syndrome.

In June 1999, I received a call from Cheryl with DCFS who was Bubba Doo's post adopt worker.  Cheryl was calling to let me know that Bubba Doo's birth Mom had another baby and she wanted to know if I would foster and possibly adopt.  I spoke candidly to Cheryl about my concerns to adopt another baby as a single parent.  I was not sure I could afford the added expenses.  Cheryl explained to me that the State did not want children to not be adopted because of money.  Cheryl assured me I would be able to get a monthly adoption subsidy if I did adopt the baby.  In addition, Cheryl explained that due to the in-utero drug exposure Bubba Doo and the new baby would be eligible for State Medicaid until they reached age 18.  No one can predict what issues prenatal drug exposure can cause and sometimes there are issues that don't start showing up until the children reach school age.  To be honest, I never expected to get a call regarding a second baby, but felt that ultimately it was in God's hands and I told Cherly I would foster Bubba Doo's baby sister.

YaYa was born term and was addicted to black tar Heroin.  She spent 23 days in the hospital withdrawing from heroin.  When YaYa was 23 days old, she had been weaned from the Diluted Tincture of Opium and I could take her home.  However, she was not done withdrawing  and went through horrific withdrawal from heroin.  YaYa was hospitalized at four months and diagnosed with a viral infection, seizure and she was paralyzed on her right side for a day and a half.  YaYa got seriously sick again and was hospitalized at eight months of age with severe dehydration due to Rotavirus.  I adopted YaYa in June 2000.  YaYa kept having seizure like episodes but was not daignosed with a seizure disorder until 2004.  We made multiple visits to the ER for seizure like episodes, YaYa was admitted to the behavioral health unitand from there was admitted into residential care.  It was during this time that she started displaying physical aggression towards Bubba Doo.  YaYa was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, mood disorder and anxiety.  We saw several pediatric neurologists in Utah and Texas and YaYa was diagnosed with a generalized seizure disorder and alternating Hemiplegia.   In addition to residential care and inpatient psychiatric hsopitalizations, YaYa had over 6 years of weekly therapy for mental health issues.  In August 2010, YaYa was placed into foster care due to safety issues in our home with her brothers.

In September 2003, I received a call from a DCFS worker stating that there was a newborn in State custody that was the sibling to the two children I had adopted.  He was born premature at 36 weeks gestation and was positive for heroin and cocaine.  He spent eight days in the hospital at birth and then went to a shelter foster home when he was discharged from the hospital at birth.  After about a month, he was placed in a second foster home while the State completed my background check.  Bugga Boo was placed in my home on December 22, 2003, when he was almost four months old.  My home was his third foster home.  Bugga Boo had developmental delays in fine motor, gross motor and speech. He continued to have delays and continued receiving early intervention services for his first three years of life.  I adopted Bugga Boo in September 2004.  At age three, Bugga Boo started receiving speech therapy for a speech and language disorder.  In 2008, he was evaluated for his quick temper, sleep difficulties and rages.  I was told he showed signs of ADHD and he was started on medications but they did not help his behavior.  We continued weekly therapy, however Bugga Boo was frequently a victim of YaYa's aggression.  Safety became a BIG issue in my home.  YaYa was physically aggressive with her brothers and threatened to kill them.  She often said, "I wish they were dead."  After years of therapy and multiple diagnoses, YaYa and Bugga Boo were both diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

There are too many details to get into in one blog, but I LOVE all of my children.  I have been there for them and done everything I can to get them the appropriate help.  I have advocated and worked as hard as I could to provide for them and to meet their needs.  I have continued to take parenting classes, attended a post adopt support group with DCFS, continued therapy for myself, attended a monthly seizure support group, attended NAMI workshops, attended a monthly support group for parents who have children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and even attended the Attach conference in Omaha in 2011, so that I could learn more about attachment.  I am not afraid to learn.  I have read several books on parenting, adoption, attachment and bonding.  I take my responsibility as a mother very seriously and I want more than anything to do what is necessary to help my children. 

In spite of all of the issues my children have, I know that I am blessed to have them in my life.  It has been difficult at times as well as physically and emotionally exhausting, however I would never trade any of my children for all the money in the world.  I feel blessed to know that God sent them to me and that I was entrusted to be their mother.  I was told by several social workers with the State that even though I was doing all of the right things, I more than likely would not be able to adopt since I was a single mother.   I placed my trust in God that if I was to adopt, then the right child would come along.  I only dreamed of adopting one child, but know that I have been given a triple blessing......... 

A Most Difficult Blessing...

June 1999

I can still remember the first time I saw my baby daughter.  She was beautiful.  She was term and was the biggest newborn I had ever had.  She weighed in at seven pounds five ounces.  Looking at her lying in the open bassinet she seemed like the perfect new baby.  What new baby isn't beautiful?  It wasn't until I had spent time with her doing feedings in the nursery at the hospital, that it became obvious that she was having some difficulty from the drugs she had been exposed to in utero.  She had tested positive for black tar heroin and had to spend 23 days in the hospital.  She was given diluted tincture of opium or DTO as the nurses called it.  Her dosage of DTO was weaned daily and was to help her with the withdrawal she was experiencing.  She was irritable, shaky, had trouble eating, had severe abdominal cramps and explosive diarrhea.  I would go to the hospital three times a day to do feedings with her.  Bubba Doo was thirteen months old when she was born and I would bring him with me and he would sit in the stroller while I did her feedings.  On day twenty four, I was able to finally bring her home and she weighed eight and a half pounds.  



I had dealt with feeding difficulties, illnesses, RSV and two hospitalizations with my son.  I had dealt with asthma, multiple bouts of pneumonia, several emergency room visits as well as a couple of hospitalizations with my oldest daughter.  I had spent eleven years working as a respiratory therapist in an acute hospital setting.  None of this had prepared me for what I would experience in the next six months.  I brought my daughter home and found that she was in constant pain and unconsolable.  I was at the pediatrician's office at least once a week.  We went through eight different formulas before we found one she could tolerate.  She was being treated with medication for reflux.  She had severe abdominal cramps and had the worst diaper rash I had ever seen.  Her bottom would bleed from open blisters.  I would have to take cotton balls soaked in Mylanta and dab that on her bottom.  Then, I would have to take a blow dryer on a cool setting and use that to dry her bottom.   She was constantly in pain and no sooner would I get her cleaned up and she would dirty her diaper and I would start the whole process all over again.   There were times she was unconsolable and I thought for sure she must have an ear infection.  I would make a pediatrician's appointment, arrive at the clinic with a screaming crying baby and then feel great disappointment to discover that her doctor could find nothing physically wrong with her and tell me she was withdrawing and send us home. 

It was so hard to watch her go through so much pain.  I found myself very ANGRY at her birth mother.  This was not FAIR.   My son had not gone through this type of withdrawal or physical pain.  There were times that my baby daughter would cry and I could not console her.  She was NOT consolable.  The doctors could not fix her pain.  I could not fix her pain.  I could only get some sleep if I put her in a baby swing.  So, I purchased a battery operated swing and used it every night.  I would feel guilty, but at least she wasn't crying and I was able to get some much needed sleep.

A Happy Moment

I found myself feeling very inadequate as a mother.  With my oldest two children, I had been able to console them when they were hurt or sick.  I could cuddle them and  they seemed to like being cuddled.  My baby daughter did not like being cuddled.  When she was three months old, she would not even smile.  Her pediatrician told me it was concerning because she would not look at him and he could not get her to smile.  I looked at him is disbelief and told him that if we had gone through what she had gone through we wouldn't be smiling either.   I had never in my life seen a baby go through so much pain and discomfort in my life.   She did not have anything to smile about.   How could she trust her world?  She had been conceived in a toxic environment and had been exposed to chemicals and toxins that were damaging to her very being.  If she did not have the inner strength she has, she more than likely would have died.  

It was October 1999, and my baby daughter was four months old.  I had put her down for a nap in her crib and laid down on the couch myself.  About an hour later, I awoke to hear gurgling coming from her crib.  I rushed into her room to find her laying in vomit.  I picked her up and she felt like she was on fire.  I quickly undressed her and took her temperature.  It was 104.3 F.  As I sat her up, I noticed that her right side was paralyzed.  She could not open her right eye.  I placed her in her infant carrier and loaded her in the car and drove a few blocks to the nightime  pediatric clinic.  The nurses and docter there were great and tried to calm my fears.  My baby daughter was unresponsive.  An ambulance was called and we were rushed to Primary Children's Medical Center.   Several tests were done as my baby laid there like a limp noodle with no response to the poking and prodding that was being done to her.  All I could do was cry.  I was a trained healthcare professional and I was falling apart emotionally.  I sat there looking at my baby daughter.  She had no one but me.  There was no biological family.  Her birth Mom was not there.  I was it and she might die.  How would I explain this to Bubba Doo?   My gut and my heart were torn in several directions.  I had loved this baby.  I brought her home from the hospital.  I had nurtured her, taken care of her and now I might lose her.  It was more than I could think of.  It seemd painfully CRUEL!

Finally something to smile about!

It was during that hospital stay with my baby daughter, that I realized in my heart that I would be adopting her.  I knew that I was her Mom and she was my daughter.  I knew she was a blessing from God and he had entrusted her to me.  I accepted this blessing and all it would entail.  I prayed to God "please help my baby and don't let her die."  I could not understand why God would allow a baby to endure so much suffering.  She was innocent.  She had not chosen her birth Mom.  She did not choose to be in a toxic uterus filled with heroin.  I was filled with ANGER at her birth Mom who seemed to only care about her drug addiction and not about what it was doing to her children.  How could a mother do this to her own child?   How could I help her?  Would I be able to help her?  I vowed then and there to do everything I could to help my baby daughter and to make sure she got the best start in life she could get. 

As I watched my tiny baby daughter lying in the crib with her right side paralyzed, I realized that God had given me a very special blessing.  I have no idea why God chose me, but I had been chosen.  I prayed that I had the strength and endurance to be able to provide everything she would need.  As I watched her breathing in her sleep, I felt a mother's love growing in my heart.  My baby and I had been through so much already.   I felt like our bond was real and was unbreakable.  I realized that my prayers to be a Mom had been answered more than once and could not believe how lucky I was.   I was so GRATEFUL.  I knew we had a difficult journey ahead of us, but I also knew that God had graced me with this most difficult blessing....   The blessing I had wanted, to be a mother again.   A wonderful chance to learn and grow and experience a mother's love in a way I never dreamed.   To learn what it means to really LOVE your child and want what is BEST for them.   To learn to put your child's needs before your own.  To learn that our Greatest Blessings in life are never easy, but worth all we endure.
I am thankful and honored that God chose me to be my baby daughter's mother....     

December 1999