This has been a very difficult year for me. Probably the worst year in my life. You see my three youngest children are adopted. I did not set out to adopt three children, especially since I am a single Mom. I started out doing legal risk foster care for the State of Utah. I wanted to help a child and possibly adopt if the opportunity came along. Then, after I adopted my oldest son his birth mother continued to abuse drugs and have more babies. The State approached me about fostering and adopting his younger siblings. When I got the call about my youngest daughter, I was in shock. I could not believe that I was being asked to foster and possibly adopt if it went that way. I asked for a couple of days to think about it. I am one person. Could I afford two children on my own? Did I have enough time for two children? Would it be fair to each child to adopt a second child? How would my son feel when he got older and found out I did not adopt his sister when I could have? Seems really shallow to not foster or adopt a second child because of money? After two days of struggling, I made the decision to foster and place it in God's hands. I do believe in God even though I am not overly religious. I also believe that there is a reason or purpose for what happens even if we don't understand why something is happening at the time. I believe I have to place my trust in God and follow my heart...
I love my children and did the best I could do as a single working mother with limited resources. Around age four my daughter started have serious issues. She was diagnosed with seizures, ADHD, ODD, depression, anxiety and learning disabilities. I jumped in and did everything I could to help. We saw neurologists, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, mental health professionals and did all kinds of testing from EEG's, MRI's and multiple neuropsychiatric evaluations. Matter of fact, we did over seven years of weekly or biweekly therapy with no improvement. She had one residential treatment center stay at age 5, three psychiatric hospitalizations and multiple hospitalizations and ER visits for seizures as well as behavior. My daughter wanted to kill her brothers. Her first residential stay was when she tried to strangle her older brother in the middle of the night while we were sleeping. I had never dealt or seen behavior like this but tried to be as proactive as I could be to get her the help she needed. Nothing seemed to help. My home was NOT safe. The boys did not feel safe. I did not feel safe. We were all suffering from PTSD from dealing with her trauma.
My oldest son felt that I was not holding her accountable for her behavior. How could I? She would rage and destroy our home. She tore a dresser apart, she puts holes in the walls, she would become violent, hit, kick, bite and spit at her brothers. She wanted to be in control. She wanted to be the boss and she wanted everything HER way. She could rage for hours. I loved her, but nothing seemed to help and the older she got the more unsafe our home became. I would lay in bed and not be able to sleep. If she got up in the middle of the night I would be afraid of what she might do. Would she try to hurt one of her brothers? All of the mental health professionals we had seen could not even agree on a diagnosis or what I needed to do with her behavior. I was exhausted, but kept trying. I sold my home, quit my job, moved out of State trying to get her the appropriate help. I did get her help with her siezures but could not get appropriate mental health services. When I needed to move back to Utah, I sold my home again, quit another job and moved back to get her mental health services. I did not ignore her behavior. I loved her. She was my baby girl. I wanted to help her, however the safety in my home kept deteriorating. Finally, in August 2010 she was hospitalized after trying to hurt her little brother. She was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I was devastated. I could not take her home. The violence would escalate again. I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. I refused to take my daughter home from the hospital. I had a responsibility to my other two children. I had them to think about. Children's Protective Services was contacted and my daughter went into Foster Care. That day was August 24, 2010.
I continued to do everything I could to advocate for my daughter even while she was in Foster Care. I attended all meetings, did weekly visits, attended therapy with her, helped transport to therapy and doctors visits, provided clothing, hair cuts and Halloween costumes. I saw her at least once a week and usually twice a week. My heart was broken, but I had two more children to protect. When my daughter spent the first six months in foster care with no therapy, I asked for a meeting and questioned how she would get better with no therapy. We had been doing weekly and biweekly therapy in my home for seven years. I got alot of excuses, but no real answers. Turns out that the foster family was not available to transport her to therapy, so I stepped up and did the transporting. It wasn't always easy either. There were times she had screaming melt downs, kick the dash of my car, was rude and offensive to the workers who were just trying to help her. It seems I always saw the worst of her behavior. I continued to be there for my daughter and do everything that was physically and emotionally possible for me to do.
It was during this time, that my youngest son stepped up his behavior. I had started him in counseling at age 4 for his temper. He was extremely quick to anger and could have melt downs. When he was angry he was destructive. He would intentionally break or destroy things. He was diagnosed with ADHD, however just like his sister the medications that were prescribed did not help. His behavior continued to escalate. He wanted to be in control. He wanted everything his way. He was oppositional and no matter what I did he became more angry. He had behavior that my daughter had not even demonstrated. He peed down the heating vents in our home, smeared his poop on the walls, was responsible for death of my oldest son's hamster and intentionally injured our cat's eye. I came to the painful realization again that my home was still NOT safe. My youngest son was also diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I was devastated. I LOVE my children, I provided for them, I did not neglect them or abuse them. I tried to be the best mother I could be, but the behavior kept getting worse. I realize I am not perfect and I am sure I could have done some things better, but I feel certain that my parenting is not the reason my children have these issues. It was difficult to admit to myself, but my pets weren't even safe in my home.
In 2011, I stepped down from a manager position at work to free up more time for my children. Later that year when I realized working full-time did not leave me the time I needed for everything, I cut back to part-time and had to purchase COBRA insurance for myself. I tried to look at all sides of everything and do what I felt would give my children the best chance to get better and to keep my family together. It seemed the harder I tried the worse things got. I contacted the State and found out there was no real help for adoptive parents. My children were on my insurance and had Medicaid and I still could not get them in residential care as it was no longer covered by insurance. The post adopt workers at the State told me that my only resource was foster care. What do I do? I still have my oldest son to protect? I don't think it is a good sign when a child kills a family pet or injures a pet intentionally. Should I just look the other way and act like the behavior is not happening? Don't I have a responsibility as his mother to get my youngest son the help he needs? What do I do when I can't get the proper help even with two insurances? I had already been down this road once. On December 28, 2011, my youngest son was placed in Foster Care.
It was in January of this year that things with the State got very adversarial. I was told that is was obvious to the State that since I had to place two children in State custody that I must be the problem. I was only allowed supervised visits with my youngest son. In addition, I was not allowed to know the foster parent's address or phone number and could not contact them except my email. I could have no phone contact with my son. I did one supervised visit and was screamed at by the worker for answering my son's question about why he was in Foster Care. I told my son "it is not Ok for you to hurt or injure the animals." I left that visit and cried all the way home. I later found out that my son had been told he was in foster care because I needed to learn how to be a better mother. I was being treated like I was an abusive parent when all I had tried to do was love my children and get them the help they need. My oldest daughter did not have these issues and my oldest son did not have these issues. The stress of all of this was taking it's toll on me emotionally and physically. I got very sick in February. I ended up hospitalized three different times. I was dehydrated and had low potassium, had a septic gall bladder removed, suffered an acute lung injury after surgery and then a week later broke out with shingles. I was out of work for almost two months. I went home on oxygen. I slowly came to the realization while I was recuperating that I did not have the emotional and physical strength to continue in this adversarial role with the State. I LOVED my children but I did not have the appropriate resources to get them the help they need. I was told that they were adoptable. I tried talking to the State and my attorney advised that it would get much worse before it would get any better in regards to the State. Against my attorney's advice, I made the decision to relinquish my parental rights. I had several friends try to talk me out of my decision to relinquish. I knew what I was doing was not what most parents would do, however I still had another child to raise and myself to think of. I was TIRED. The more I tried to LOVE my children the more their unsafe behavior escalated. I was truly in a no win situation.
On April 5, 2012, I relinquished my parental rights to my two youngest children. I had to admit to myself that I did not have the emotional strength to continue this adversarial relationship with the State. If they are adoptable, then I need to be out of the picture. No family is going to want to adopt them if I am still their mother. Despite what the State and other people may think, I do LOVE my children. I have always LOVED my children. I will NEVER stop loving my children. I want what is best for them. I want more than anything for them to get the help they need that I am unable to provide. I am only one person and I can't do it all. I tried, but I am limited. This is about LOVE. This is about loving them enough to want what is best for them. Yah Yah and Bugga Boo you may never understand but I do LOVE you both and want you both to be happy and healthy. There is an empty place in my heart but I will never forget you. I have placed you in God's hands and I pray everyday that he watch over you both and protect you both. I pray someday you will forgive me and possibly understand. My Mother's Heart is Broken and now we must all try to heal......
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